[Kevin and Veronica are waiting in a walk-in clinic]
KevinYou know I used a condom.
...
CPClinic physician
What seems to be the problem?
Kevin
V, that's a little harsh! He slept with a bunch of girls, and I want to make sure he doesn't any nasty diseases.
CPClinic physician
How many sexual partners have you had in the last 12 months?
Kevin
What, you want names? 'Cause I didn't catch many names.
CPClinic physician
Just a number will do.
Kevin
Uh... Frontal and anal?
Kevin
Well, yeah, you'd be surprised how many coeds want it up the butt. Think it preserves their virginity. They call it "the poop-hole loophole".
Kevin
It's a really big school, V. Ballpark? More than X, less than Y? Is that math? I really wasn't--
CPClinic physician
How about best guess?
Kevin
[Inhales deeply] Uh... [exhales deeply and counting off on both hands] 22, 23, give or take 5 or 6.
Kevin
I was the rape-walker! I had lots of opportunities!
[Veronica debuts her school girl costume to Kevin in the bedroom]
Kevin
Did you go shopping?
Mm. Isn't this what you like?
Kevin
[Laughs] No. Yes. I mean, what's the right answer?
Is this what they wore-- those slutty coeds you nailed?
Kevin
Oh. No. I mean, I don't-- sort of, I guess. I mean, they wore a bunch of different kinds of things. They wore skirts and sweatpants, most of 'em. They wore jeans with those torn knees and--
[Veronica gets annoyed and starts hitting Kevin]
Kevin
Ow! Hey! You asked!
[She leaves the bedroom and Kevin follows her to console her]
Kevin
I don't want you to dress like anybody else. I want you to dress like you-- Veronica clothes.
Babies, Kev-- you better go and hold 'em. I know that's where you want to be, so you better go before they die!
Kevin
No, I want to be here with you.
Kevin
We'll go do it together, okay? Oh, shit, they sure can scream, can't they?
TKTape Kevin
You're the best tennis players on the planet. Gemma, you have the number one backhand smash in the world. Amy, you can serve and volley like no one's business. Gemma...
Kev, I'm thinking the subliminal message thing is really working.
Kevin
Well, at least it put 'em to sleep.
TKTape Kevin
...gave you the nickname "The Sledgehammer."
Kevin
What, you saying my voice is boring?
TKTape Kevin
No, I'm saying we got 30 minutes to get down to business while Venus and Serena finally take a nap.
Kevin
Oh, yes. Let's do this.
TKTape Kevin
...You get a tattoo of a sledgehammer on your right bicep.
TKTape Kevin
...Your dad's a little disappointed by this, but he can overlook it.
Kevin
Hmm?
As much as I love hearing your subliminal message voice, can we take this upstairs?
Kevin
Really? 'Cause it's kinda turning me on.
Kevin
Ooh. Come on.
YYanis
Get away from my babies before I blow your heads off!
RLRedhead Lisa
You should've put muzzles on them!
Kevin
Damn it! Yanis woke up the girls again. All right, I'll go deal with it. God damn it, Yanis!
YYanis
Aw, come on. You can't take them. They- those are my babies!
RLRedhead Lisa
We asked you to make them stop barking.
YYanis
They're dogs. They bark. That's what they fucking do!
Kevin
Yanis!
Kevin
My babies haven't napped in over a week because of your loud mouth. Now, what is going on?
YYanis
These two rug-chomping dikes called Animal Services on my babies!
Kevin
All right- all right! Would you just calm down, and tell me the story without the gay bashing.
YYanis
Look, man, I've had Michael, Tito, LaToya, Marlon, and Janet since they were eight weeks old!
RLRedhead Lisa
They're not licensed!
YYanis
I don't know what that even-!
Kevin
Lisa and Lisa, what is going on?!
RLRedhead Lisa
There's feces everywhere, Kevin!
Kevin
So?!
RLRedhead Lisa
One of them is foaming at the mouth. They could bite our kids. Give them rabies.
Kevin
Kids? I didn't know you guys had kids.
BLBrunette Lisa
But soon.
YYanis
Hey Tito! Daddy's gonna get you outta there!
ACAnimal control
I need you to back away from the van, sir. Would y- !
YYanis
Wh-wh-wh- What're you gonna do with the dogs?!
ACAnimal control
Imma bring 'em down to the shelter. Owner has seven days to get permits and provide a clean living area and pay for microchips and vaccinations. Otherwise, they become candidates for adoption or euthanasia.
YYanis
You can't kill my dogs, fuck!
ACAnimal control
Hey, get the fuck off me. Don't make me fucking tase you!
Kevin
All right-- all right-- all right! Okay. Yanis, you're gonna get your ass thrown in jail. He- You heard the guy. You can get your dogs back. Go start by cleaning up the mounds of shit in the front yard. Go! [Yanis speaks Greek]
Kevin
Can you just go do it quietly?!
YYanis
[Speaks Greek] Oh... [scoffs] Thank you, Kevin. [Speaks Greek] Just remember, Lisa and other Lisa, we were doing fine in this neighborhood before you two moved in!
Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing us together to study your word and bask in your glory. Amen.
BSBible study group
Amen.
Who else would like to show the Lord his gratitude?
Kevin
Right here, Carol. Lord, please let my baby girls grow up to have wicked backhands and 120 mile-per-hour serves.
This is Bible study, Kevin. We're here to praise Jesus, not ask him for favors.
Kevin
Right. Right, I'm sorry. Can I just do one more real quick? Jesus, please help Yanis rest in peace so I can get some rest and not have panic attacks, and not soil my pants.
Well, I'll see you next week. There's coffee and muffins in the kitchen.
Kevin
They're a day old, but no mold. I checked. Praise Jesus.
Oh, and don't forget, we still need a volunteer to host the foster child we're receiving this morning. Thank you for coming.
Kevin
We'll take him.
Bless you, Kevin. He's on his way from Myanmar to a dairy farm in Wisconsin. Oh, it- it- it's only for a couple of days. Oh, this is- praise Jesus. Thank you. Oh.
Kevin
It's a kid in need. If I do God a solid, he'll do me one. Eye for an eye.
That is not what "eye for an eye" means.
Kevin
Oh, how do you know what the good book means? You were doing your nails the whole time.
Forget that barbecued Greek. It wasn't your fault.
Kevin
Of course it was. What are you talking about, V? If it wasn't for me, Yanis would still be alive. Please, baby.
LLester
What's that accent, Polish?
Kevin
It's Russian.
LLester
So she wasn't born here.
Kevin
Sent over in a shipping crate.
LLester
You pay her under the table?
Kevin
Shit, yeah. How do you think this place stays open?
LLester
Excuse me. I'm Officer Lester Hibbert from United States Citizenship and Immigration Services.
Kevin
Wait, what?
LLester
According to your boss, you came to this country illegally.
Kevin
I didn't know he was whatever he said.
LLester
I came here to unwind. You treated me like shit. And then you took my last five bucks. [Motions to a table] Now we're gonna have a conversation.
Kevin
I had no idea. I didn't see his badge.
Kevin
[Comes down stairs to find Veronica and Svetlana asleep on couch] What's with the slumber party?
Kevin
Not yet. You didn't come to bed.
Oh, we were celebrating, and I fell asleep.
Kevin
Celebrating what?
I get divorce. Woot woot!
The papers came through. Lana is single.
Kevin
What, you have a pet name for her?
Kevin
Sell what?
Our loving dyke. [Svetlana grabs Veronica's breast with both laughing]
Kevin
No. No, no, no, no, no. We dropped the whole marriage idea.
Kevin
I'm not talking to you. V, marriage is a sacred institution.
It's just for immigration.
Kevin
You're talking about being married to another person.
Kevin
Yeah, okay, so? But- look, you and I aren't married on paper, right? But that doesn't change how I feel.
Me neither. It's not a big deal.
Give blessing. Is least you can do.
Kevin
Hey, you the one who outed her to the INS. Stop ganging up on me. There are other options besides marriage.
What? Immigration is gonna put her back on the next boat to Moscow.
Kevin
I'll figure it out.
Kevin
I'll fix it by the end of the day, okay? Just... no more pet names.
[Frank wheels himself into The Alibi Room]
Kevin
Jesus!
My liver's been on vacation, and I got a month's worth of drinking to catch up on.
Where the hell you been?!
Hospital. They pulled me out of the lake. Must have fallen in drunk after the wedding and washed into Lake Michigan.
Kevin
We thought you were dead.
Nope. I'm indestructible. The doc said the cold would've killed a lesser man. But not the Frank.
Why are you in a wheelchair?
Temporary setback. Atrophy. I was in a coma. Can I get a beer? Hospital said nobody came looking for me. I guess you lowlifes assumed I was on a bender after unloading my oldest on that fucking junkie. [Starts having flashbacks of Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana staring into the vehicle trunk from his viewpoint]
Kevin
Coming! Took a little longer to get ready!
Kevin
[Comes down stairs wearing nothing but a stuffed pink elephant over crotch] Ready for our family meeting.
This is about family finances.
Kevin
Mm.
Svetlana's been going over our bills and income from the bar.
Sit. Sit! We need to increase our revenues and improve our P&L immediately! You have no life insurance, 401ks, 529s, you have no balance sheet, no income or cash flow forecast! Our yield on gross revenues are shit!
Kevin
I'm sorry, are- are we seriously not gonna have sex? 'Cause I kinda took a Viagra.
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
Kevin
What's up with mopey?
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Kevin
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
Kevin
Check it out, sister-wives!
We gonna ride around in that?!
Kevin
Right? [Laughs] Whoo!
You know, my tits are smaller than this.
Kevin
Our customers won't mind. Hey, pal. Uh, topless maids that actually clean. Pass it along.
Kevin
Check it out! Custom-built! Are you ready for this?! What do you think?! Is that genius or what?! They love it! They can't... Look at 'em! Look at! They love it!
Kevin
That's not coming from the van. [To man] Excuse me, sir. This is a legitimate business here. [Svetlana and the man start yelling at each other with the man slapping Svetlana who then headbutts him and they wrestle on the ground with Kevin and Veronica pulling them apart] I got... I got... shit! What the fuck is going on here?!
This is my father. He's staying with us for a while.
[Svetlana is hosing down her father with Kevin and Veronica watching]
Kevin
Why is he covered in shit, Lana?
He rode into country hiding on cow freighter.
Kevin
He's covered in tattoos. Is that a penis fucking a skull?
Kev, he sold her into sex slavery.
Kevin
Yeah, he can't stay with us.
Kevin
Hey, Svet'. Yo. Uh, he can't stay with us.
Yeah, sorry, we discussed it, and we just don't think it's a good idea.
So, we live together. We love together. We even raise babies together. But this decision we do not make together?
Kevin
She's right.
We're just worried about him being in the house with the babies.
Ah, he's good for babies. Sweet. He is also good behind bar. He solves bartender problem while we go out and do titty van business so we can save money for college for babies.
You want us to leave our bar with him? Does he even speak English?
English does not matter. Make drink. Take money. Hurt people who do not pay money. I grew up in his bar. Everything I know, I learn from this man.
Kevin
I'll go get him some clothes.
...
I just want to know how long he's gonna stay.
He kept roof over my head and borscht in my bowl until I was ten years old, ready to work on corner. For this, I owe him. I also owe him the money he spent to smuggle me into country.
You owe him the money he paid smugglers so you could be a sex slave in America?
This is land of free, home of brave. And if he had not smuggled me, I would not have met you and become happy wedded thrupple bliss.
Kevin
She's got a point.
Kevin
I'm just saying, if I had a dad, I would forgive a lot too.
Enough! We strip now. Pimp, watch babies.
LMLocal man
Hi. Uh, sorry, but, uh... can you move your van? I live right over there, and I have some little kids who are about to come out and play in the yard.
Kevin
And?
LMLocal man
And, uh, your van is very graphic. It's porn, really.
Kevin
Oh, thank you. Those are my wives.
LMLocal man
Well, lucky you.
Kevin
Mm-hmm.
LMLocal man
Uh, my wife... I just have the one... Highly emotional woman. And if my five and seven-year-old sons are exposed to porn for the first time while playing in our yard... [Chuckles] She's just likely to cry until I agree to move to an even more expensive neighborhood.
Kevin
Look, man, you tell your wife this is a legitimate business, and under the 14th amendment, we have every right to exercise our right to free speech and show boobs.
LMLocal man
The 14th amendment abolished slavery.
Kevin
God damn right it did. Good thing too, because one of my wives is black, and the other one was a slave. Dude, what the hell are you talking about? Oh, good, thanks a lot. Now you woke up my kids.
LMLocal man
Look, all right?
Kevin
Shh, shh, shh.
LMLocal man
[Holds up dollar bill] Please. I'm begging you. Father to father. Husband to husband. [Kevin just stares at the bill with the man adding another dollar bill]
Kevin
Oh, man. I'll pull the van around the block. Hey, you, uh... Want a business card, just in case, uh... your wife goes out of town or something?
Shameless · 903 quotes
