Lip Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Lip

Yo, douche bags, you think you could lay off on the water pipe and the porn until Mom and Dad Iowas are back on the Interstate, please?

Lip

Hey, I need to borrow your car. Ian just stole a baby.

Lip

Yo, if you're gonna smoke an illegal substance, you could at least do it in the privacy of your own shitty dorm room.

Lip

Did you miss another episode of Shameless? Jesus Christ. Look, find a fuckin' five-year-old to help you program your DVR or something.

Lip

Why isn't he a teenager yet who can just feed himself? You know, maybe we can get him one of those, uh, you know, gerbil bottle things. You know, rig it up to the side of his crib.

Karen

She's got this thing about people bringing dirt in the house. Molysmophobia.

Lip

Right. Okay, so, um... if you remember it like this, the... the formula is completely visible. Um... okay. Midget naked witch is bending over, and she's crying 'cause she lost one ear and she can't find it.

Karen

How do you know all this?

Lip

Uh, just something I like to fool around with.

Karen

Like a hobby?

Lip

Uh, no. More like a plan.

Karen

Physics?

Lip

Yeah, yeah. Have you done Newton's first? I've got a great one for that. Um, "Everybody continues [Karen goes under the table to fellate Lip] in a state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force." Uh, hang on. Karen, I'm, uh... I'm still going to have to charge you for this.

Karen

Charge me?

Lip

Yeah, this isn't charity. I get paid for tutoring.

Karen

I know. Science just turns me on.

Lip

Okay. Jesus.

Lip

Hey, Carl, you seen Ian?

Carl

Uh, gone when I woke up. [Lip walks outside to backyard to van to find Ian smoking]

Lip

[Shows Ian the binder full of clippings of bodybuilding men] How can that be good for you? Or... or... or... or that? How can that be good for you?

Ian

Yeah. You know what's not funny, huh?

Lip

Huh?

Ian

You. Ever.

Lip

Anybody before Kash?

Ian

One.

Lip

Yeah? Who?

Ian

I'm not telling you, all right?

Lip

Name a single time I've let you down.

Ian

It was a kid at school.

Lip

Yeah?

Ian

All right, I guess it doesn't really matter 'cause, I mean, he's long gone now anyways, but, uh... Roger Spikey.

Lip

Roger Spikey? Fucking donkey dick Roger Spikey? The original beefmeister? Or did he start that rumor?

Ian

Not a rumor.

Lip

Whoa, that was a bit gay. What you just did there with your eyebrows. You want to watch that.

Ian

All right, fuck off, all right?

Lip

But seriously, like... like up the ass? Do you get used to that? Can someone get used to that? I mean... I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic. It just is.

Lip

What? What?!

Ian

"Just is." Like, like, we're only given our lungs to freakin' smoke, right?

Karen

An hour and 54 minutes. Now, that's a record.

Lip

Yes. Now all we have to do is figure out how I can go back the same day and take it again for another kid. [Mickey and two goons walk up to them] Uh-oh.

Mickey

Hey, yo.

Lip

What do they want?

Karen

He probably just wants to ask me out again.

Lip

You're not interested?

Karen

If you like the smell of cow shit.

Mickey

Got a B-plus on that paper you wrote for me.

Lip

Spread the word. I could use the business. Heard they're letting Iggy out of juvie.

Mickey

My mom drove up to get him. Throwing a party for him this weekend.

Lip

He'll probably be back in before then, yeah?

Mickey

Ha, ha, probably. So Ian messed with Mandy.

Lip

Ian?

Mickey

Yeah.

Lip

That's, uh, highly unlikely.

Mickey

That's what Mandy told us.

Lip

Trust me, you got the wrong guy.

Mickey

Right, the problem is that Ian's been avoiding us all day, and, uh, someone's gotta get a beatdown till we find him.

Lip

Could make an exception.

Mickey

Not really, though.

Lip

Well, maybe, uh, Mandy's confusing Ian with any one of the other 400 dudes in the 10th grade she's already blown. [Mickey jabs Lip in the gut with a pole who falls down and the other two goons join in stomping Lip]

Lip

Nice jacket Kash bought you.

Ian

Thanks.

Mandy

Yeah. Tell Kash I'll take it in the ass if it gets me free stuff.

[Approaches] Hey, yeah, I'm talking to you.

Lip

Yeah?

You got a phone?

Lip

What, your truck break down?

No, genius, I like standing in a shitty neighborhood with my dick in my hands. I'm already two hours late on this load. I try to take one shortcut, this is what I get. My goddamn kid drained my phone playing "Doodle Jump." My goddamn wife took my charger. I'll give you 5 bucks if you let me use your phone. Just one call.

Lip

Oh, we don't have a phone. Our dad says not till we're 18. Um, but you know what? There's a bar, I think, about 10 blocks that way. What's it called? Uh, O'Flaherty's. O'Flaherty's. Tell them your family's from County Cork.

Ten blocks?

Lip

Maybe five. Straight shot.

This is yours if you keep an eye on the truck.

Lip

Five bucks?

Ian

Oh, cool. Thanks, mister.

Hey, hey. Make sure no one gets near it.

Lip

Will do. [Whips out cellphone] Yo, Kev. Forty-third and Halsted. Bring a crowbar.

Lip

Guys, don't get too used to this, okay?

Debbie

What?

Lip

Well, Dad's not always gonna be so nice.

Carl

Yes, he will.

Lip

No. Not when he starts drinking again, okay? He'll go back to his ways. I don't want you getting hurt.

Debbie

Hurt?

Lip

Yeah, um... Remember that turtle you had last summer?

Debbie

Walter?

Lip

Yeah, yeah, Walter. And you guys were really, really into him for like two weeks, and you talked to him and you fed him. I mean, you took him everywhere with you, right? But after a while, you know, you guys got busy with other things, so Walter's water never got changed and nobody fed him. Then like two months later, Debs, you wanted to show off Walter to your friend Susie, and you guys started looking for him and when you found him, he was all dried up and dead. Now, you see, you guys are that turtle, okay? And Dad's you. You get what I'm saying?

Carl

Dad's buying us another turtle?

Lip

No. No, no. Forget it. Never mind.

Debbie

Don't worry, Lip, I get it. Daddy's gonna forget about us when he starts drinking again. It's okay. I don't mind. I'm gonna enjoy this while it lasts if that's okay.

Lip

Yeah. Sure, Debs. That's, um... That's a good plan. It took you long enough.

Debbie

We have to kill the turtle. Daddy and Carl are up in the attic getting ready to cut a hole in the roof for a skylight. It's time to kill the turtle.

Lip

Now, Debs, you know that you guys were the turtle in my story, right?

Debbie

Oh, right.

Lip

Hey, I'm going out. What's up?

Fiona

Hard day. Why are you so upset with Dad?

Lip

Fiona, we've, uh, been through this before. Remember? The last time Dad was sober.

Fiona

Yeah. So?

Lip

He, uh, had a bet with some guy at the bar and became the perfect dad. It was the first time he ever came to little league. And, uh, I hit a double. Fucking never saw him so proud. You knew he was gonna go back to his regular shitty self.

Fiona

No, that's, uh, the thing. I didn't know.

Ian

What did I miss with Mom?

Lip

You know how Dad's a total fucking asshole?

Ian

Yeah.

Lip

Turns out he's the good one.

Ian

It's kind of hard to explain.

Lip

Try me.

Ian

Mickey's gay and we're doing it. And Kash shot Mickey because of me. Mickey would rather go to juvie than admit he's gay. So I'm doing both Kash and Mickey. Well, not so much Kash lately. When Kash and me were hot and heavy, Linda found out about it and is blackmailing Kash into have another kid.

Lip

Holy shit.

Ian

Yeah.