Caboose quotes from Red vs Blue

Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.

What if it's a new gun?

What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!

Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!

A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.

See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..

Honk...

...ple!

Honk!

Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.

Maybe he's an alien!

An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?

And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!

Blulululula. BluluLULUla.

Well, look who's awake.

What the fuck happened?

Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-

Can I get the short version, please?

Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.

Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.

Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.

Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Are you guys talking about me?

We, ah, didn't want to say anything.

Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!

Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Where did you carry us, to the buffet?

He said it.

What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?

That's Church.

He means the ship, Caboose!!

He said it.

So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Uh, what do I do?

Why are you asking me?

I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!

You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.

It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.

Ask him if he likes baseball.

It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Ask him if he likes t-ball.

Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.

Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

(annoyed) Caboose!

And this is Tucker.

Sup.

Hey.

Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.

I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.

I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?

Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-

Blarg.

Oh cool! You have a dog?

Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.

Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?

Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!

I thought about having a kid once.

Oh, really? It's a lot of work.

Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

Heh, yeah... Wait, what?

Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.

[whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

Caboose, what did I tell you?

That there are no regular girls.

Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.

What do I tell her?

Well, I already know the rule.

I hate that stupid rule!

Go show her Doc and Sheila.

The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.

Who's the black one?

The black one?

Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.

The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?

Yup, that's the hole all right.

That's what I told you!

Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!

Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.

Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!

Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

RETREAT!

Ahh!

Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!

Who is that?

That's Tex.

Whoa! He's a badass!

[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.

He's kinda hot.

Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.

Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.

[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]

Are you seriously asking that question right now?

The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.

You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.

Why is she shooting at us?

How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Well, go out there and tell her to stop!

Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Aren't you like, the leader, or something?

Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.

Awesome!

Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]

She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.

[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.

Nice recon work.

I'm gonna go get my body back.

Yeah, good idea.

Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?

Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Freeze! Nobody move!

We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."

Shut up!

Whatever.

Tex, what is your problem?

My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.

Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.

You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.

Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.

Typical..

Who's O'Malley?

Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.

Sounds scary.

Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.

Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching

Okay, never mind.

None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?

Who's the girl?

What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.

You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?

Oh... um...

Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.

You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.

Oh, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!

Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.

Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

Oh, why not?

Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.

Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!

If only we knew somebody Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kind of dumb. So we could fool them into betraying that trust... for our purposes... [Tucker and Church turn to Caboose]

Hey... Everyone is looking at me... I love when they do that! Hi, everybody!

I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.

Yup. So what do you think?

I... think she seems like there's something wrong.

That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!

I'm a medic, what do you want from me?

How 'bout fixing her?

Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.

What a shitty medical school.

Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!

That's Notre Dame.

Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -

Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

Reboot her?

Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

I don't think that'll work.

Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -

Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.

We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

Just smooth talk her!

Uh, I don't know how to do that.

Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!

I don't know...

It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.

Pardon me?

Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]

[Pause] I see your point.

Go ahead.

Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]

Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!

Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.

Interrupt what?

Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.

[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.

What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]

Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]

Ow! What is going on around here?

I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]

What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.

Oh, well in that case-

Forget it. Deal's done.

Dammit.

Um, how should I distract Sheila?

Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.

I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.

So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?

Please! You call this working?

See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.

Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.

Luckily, I know where Omega is.

You do? Where?

He is inside [Tex deactivates Sheila, and her voice fizzles out]

Got it!

...who is "bloooore?"

You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.

I had to leave. I found Wyoming.

Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?

I filetracked him back to O'Malley, but by the time that York and I got there... (interrupted by Church)

York? Your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?

She was already dead.

And what about Bermuda?

That's not a state dumbass!

Portland?

Shut up!

But he still had Delta.

Delta? The AI? How? I thought they took them... Wait a minute, wait a minute... How was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?

I thought it was because of his armour. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.

Right! Like your invisibility.

And horrible meanness.

No dude, that's all natural.

York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people working against us.

Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?

He didn't. Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there and the next he was gone.

What about the second after that?

Can I kill him, please?

No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So... Wyoming's armor lets him teleport.

I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.

How's that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is... (pause) Wait a minute... Each freelancer had enhanced suit of armour and AI, right?

Right.

Right....

Your armour was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega?

Right.

Wrong. Oops, missed that one! Could we go back?

Who was Wyoming's AI?

Gamma.

(Sigh) I got to make a phone call.

What about me? Can I get lost too?

No, Caboose. I need you to stay here and watch Shiela.

Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted, we might lose her altogether.

Oh, that would be bad.

Riiiiight. Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?

Well, I suppose I could always-

Shut up. That was rhetorical.

Church! I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

It's the idiot! Take care of him.

Right.

Caboose! No! Stay back! Don't get near the tank! (Gary opens fire on Caboose) tank-!

Uuuggaah!!!

Caboose! NOOOOOO!