Sheila quotes from Red vs Blue

Hello, and thank you for activating the M8O8V main battle tank. You may call me Sheila.

(nervously) Hello... Sheila... big tank lady...

Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Oh that'd be very nice. Thank you!

Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

Okay.

Now that you've mastered driving the M8O8V, let's move on to some of the safety features.

No! No, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

Uh oh.

Hey, Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank like right now!

I can't figure out how to GET THIS THING OPEN!

Night vision engaged.

Rookie! Get out now!

(desperate) Ok... open the... ok... uh, Sheila will you please open the door?

Driver canopy open. Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle T-

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!! Running, running, running! Man... That was close.

Look at your tank though.

[in a fading voice, referencing 2001: A Space Odyssey] I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daaaivvvvy... Daaaivvvvvy...

(screaming) SHEEEEIIIIIILLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?

(devastated) Shiela's the lady in the tank. She was my friend.

Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!

Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.

He didn't fix you, a robot did it.

Don't cock-block me!

[Ghost Version] Get out of my body, Right NOW Tex!

[Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!

Yeah, but I stole it first!

I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.

Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?

Retard, the throttle.

What throttle? This throttle?

Retard, the controller.

You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.

The controller, retard.

Hey, that's kind of insulting.

Retard. Retard. Retard.

Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.

Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.

Okay Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.

What?!

Estoy consiguiendo muy sudoroso. (Translated: I'm getting very sweaty!)

Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

Good luck everyone. I packed you all lunches for the trip.

Thanks Sheila, that was really nice of you.

Not really. All my bag had was an air filter and a thermos full of brake fluid.

Don't forget to wash your exhaust pipe every day.

Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

That chick with black armor is back.

What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

God damn it!

That's the one.

Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Man, that girl has a really good arm.

[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

DIOS MIO NO!!

Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.

I don't think so.

Shut up you ruin my life!

[to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?

This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.

Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]

Firing main cannon.

Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...

Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base—I mean, the Red base! Fuck!

And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy and really annoying.

Yeah...

But, at least he's smart. In fact, I think he might the smartest one of the bunch.

You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.

No, I mean all of them put together, man. There's this other guy who hangs around, in maroon armour... Well, I haven't seen him in a while, but he's a freakin' know-it-all, man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.

What?

Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place... Yeah, y'know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.

Oh, just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also how he's not as attractive as other people are...

Hey, where're ya going?

Well, hurry up, man, I have to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner.

...You do know that's Simmons, right?

Oh yeah.

This isn't a parking lot, Church. This is a team! A family. Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?

Right. Including the time you killed me.

How about if I suddenly decided I wasn't the Blue Team's tank? What if, today, I'm feeling just a little bit Red?

Halt! Who goes there?

Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)

Oh, right, you. What do you want?

I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?

I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)

What's your problem, Donut?

Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.

I'm not the enemy.

Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.

More like pink.

I have a gun.

OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

You helped the Blues.

And fooled them.

You knocked Sarge out, twice.

Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.

Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.

No, the Blues don't know either.

Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?

I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.

Sarge

What's all this ruckus?

There's an enemy trying to get into the base.

Sarge

Where?

Right there.

Sarge

Where? Behind Simmons?

He means me sir.

Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Donut, I did tell you it was me.

Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".

That's because I am me.

But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

That's because I'm me.

And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge

I don't want to hear it, Blue.

What, this is valuable information about the war.

Sarge

There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.

No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge

Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled

Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.