Andy quotes from Red vs Blue

You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.

Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

Hey, Andy, knock knock.

Who's there.

Inner peace and serenity.

I already heard that one.

Sounds like you're patronizing me.

No, it's me. I'm a bitch.

Heh, keep talking.

And I need to stay calm all of the time.

Or what happens?

Or... else I get so mad, I start to kill people on my own team.

I see your point.

Oooh, tell him about the moodiness, and the crankiness.

Also, mention how you like to punch people in the head while they're sleeping!

That was you?! I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me!

Hey Andy.... ANDY!

Hey, look who's back: The Dickhead!

Hey, up yours.

You back for another beating? It must be Ass-Kick o'clock!

Where's that big alien thing?

I dunno. Last time I saw him he was half-way up your ass!

There it is!

Jesus RUN!! (All three of them keep shooting their guns at the wall while they run away)

Crap!

Oh my GOD OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

RUN!

Women and children last. (They run past Caboose)

Did we win?

Yeah Caboose we won! This is our victory lap!

(jokingly) Hey come back, I think you're making him tired! (laughing)

I think I will call him... Crunchbite!

Naah, that's a stupid name.

Well I think it's better than your suggestion...Crouchasaurous.

Caboose who are you talking to— HOLY SHIT!!!

BLARG!

Stop he is my friend, he's not going to it eat anybody.

Yeah says you stink too much to eat.

He has not tried to bite me, at all-

Blargh.

...since he bit me the first time.

Yeah, that was hilarious!

Alright, bomb, we need to talk.

Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?

Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?

A lady? Who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.

(sighing) I knew this was a bad idea.

Hey, Tex, why you got black armor? Couldn't find any in flannel?

Listen jackass—

(laughing hysterically) Flannel!

I put you together, I can take you apart.

(stops laughing) Hey...whaddaya mean?

Bombs come with remote detonators, dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but nonetheless a memory.

I think you're bluffin'. (under breath) ...Dyke.

Okay, strike two.

Alright. Whaddaya want?

Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.

Yeah sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.

Whoa—okay. Can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?

Of course! But what's in it for me?

Let's put it this way: you don't push my buttons, and I don't push yours.

Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!

Deal. Come on. [She starts to walk off.] Well, are you coming?

What am I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up, ya dumb bitch!

(exasperatedly) Great, I can tell this is starting off well.

Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe- [Tex drops Andy with a resounding thud that shakes the screen.] Hey...aw, come on, Tex, baby, where ya goin'? It's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on! Laugh it off big guy, laugh it off! Haha, hey Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it! Haha!

What is he [the alien] saying?

Listen guys, if want me to translate, you can't keep asking me every four seconds, "what's he sayin' now, Andy?" "what's he sayin' now?" I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my freakin' job!

That's what he said? That's a pretty weird thing to say. Ok, tell him, sorry, I will stop saying...that. And...also...no.

I think we need a translator just for Caboose.

That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken—it's right there.

Argh blargh!

He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.

Uh oh.

Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.

This all sounds like bullshit to me.

No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?

Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.

[Translating for the Alien] After we cross the Burning Plains of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

I hope we meet a cleric on the way. We don't have anyone who can heal.

He says he's a healer.

Oh, good.

Not really. They eat their wounded. (starts laughing)

(speaks slowly) Just like chiropractors!

Ok, so, um, Tucker is the fighter, Crunchbite is the healer and I am the powerful.....and intelligent wizard, Morphumax.

What the hell does that make me?

A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you frickin' moron!

That is what makes you so stealthy. [turns away from Andy] This is going to be the best party ever.

I'm gonna fuckin' die.

Honk

Yeah. I agree; Earth sucks!

Earth does not suck, Earth rules! We invented the telephone.

Blargh blargh.

He says they invented the telephone too, and they did it a thousand years before you did!

Oh, and what did they have to say on it? "Blargh blargh honk honk"? Who the fuck wants to hear that?

Andy, what in the Hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure you guys took?

How should I know?

He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...

Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!

I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.

He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

Andy, this is Doc, Doc, this is Andy. Uh, Andy, Doc is here to help Tucker, and he's also our worst enemy, you know, besides the Reds, and Tex on certain days.

Well, thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball. Hello bowling ball.

Actually, I'm a bomb.

It can talk?

Why is it the first thing everybody says to me?!

A talking bomb you say? Hmm, I could use a fellow like you in my organisation, heh heh.

Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.

I see... well, this is certainly awkward.

KABOOM!

[recoiling] Satan's bunions!

Ha ha ha! I was just kidding, I didn't really explode! heh heh!

Ha ha ha ha. Good one.

Yes highly amusive.