“Strong Male Figure (Episode 84)” quotes from Red vs Blue

So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Uh, what do I do?

Why are you asking me?

I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!

You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.

It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.

But girls can't be color blind!

Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?

Yeah! Wait, what?!

Ask him if he likes baseball.

It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Ask him if he likes t-ball.

Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.

Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

(annoyed) Caboose!

Ohhh, what happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. [walks toward prone figures] But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here awhile. [pause, starts humming randomly to himself]

We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!

No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

You know that trick?

I learned from the best.

Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

You mean after we dig up Sarge.

No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.

What are girly laps?

Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.

[pumps shotgun off screen]

And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.

As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.

But what about Sarge?

You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Aspirin overdose.

See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?

I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.

Yeah... wait, what?

Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!

Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?!