Caboose quotes from Red vs Blue

I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

Caboose, get the fuck out of here!!!

OK bye, I don't want to help anymore.

Sarge

Whoa, looks like the white guy just got stabbed.

Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... why does my head really hurt, all of a sudden? For some reason, I want a beer...

Caboose, that's why I always liked you, everything falls into two categories: either you don't understand it or you just don't care.

Yeeah, I don't really know what you mean by that... but I guess it doesn't matter.

Exactly.

Why didn't you ask Tex or Church?... Is it because I'm the best?

No, it's because Church is an asshole and Tex doesn't trust me right now.

Really? Why not?

Ehh, because I got to use the sniper rifle and I ended up unloading a round into her ass.

Hey Chicka Bum Bum!

Caboose! What did I tell you about that?

Sorry. Sorry.

Hey, Caboose!

Caboooooooooose!

Come out so I can shoot you, ya fuckstick!

Where did Caboose go?

Sarge

I don't see 'im.

Come out, Caboose, all we wanna do is shoot you!

(hiding behind a tree) Don't listen to them, it's a trick!

Sarge

Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose. We be having a prisoner for you, we do.

I thought you had a pirate accent?

Sarge

Argh, I'm not very consistent. Yarg!

Hello Church, you must be very happy to see me.

Yeah, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin puke.

Hey what's up,

Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?

Yes I'm Sister, Church's twin brother. I crashed here on a spaceship from the moon. And now I live with Caboose and the people from the tail end of the spaceship live on the other side of the island.

What the fuck? That's wrong in like eight different ways.

Yeah, I know...Tell me about it.

Caboose, seriously, do you pay attention to anything that happens?

New Church is my new best friend now.

I'd argue with that too, but...What's the point.

Caboose, what happened?

Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.

I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?

She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.

FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?

HAHAHAHAHA, that's the problem with living in a patriarichal society, men always assume they know everything! HAHAHA!

Church...

Yeah?

You ever wonder why we're here?

You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or a snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to; you have to despise people on a personal level, not because they're red or because they're blue, but because you know them and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

...I meant, why are we out here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade?

Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.

(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Okay!

And don't shoot me this time!

Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Son of a bitch!

Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge

Aha! Got you, blues!

Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge

I was dead, Doc revived me!

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Ooh! Yeah!

Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to go out-

Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Stay away from my sister!

Son of a bitch!

Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Son of a bitch!

(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

Command? Oh no, they never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my mom, is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again? Oh no.

What is this? I don't even...

Hehe, you see, he's yours now. Hehe, no take-backs.

Is it my brother? Was my brother killed? That's it, isn't it? My brother's dead!

What- no, nothing like that!

Oh, good, because I don't even have a brother. H-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day.

No one died!

Jo-a-nes is dead, sir.

OK, no one besides him.

Once again... nobody's fault. [Whispers] Pst...I think the new guy did it.

Private Caboose, you were stationed at Blood Gulch, correct?

Yeah...that was fun.

And our records indicate that you were infected by an aggressive artificial intelligence program at one point. The Omega AI, is that correct as well?

Yeah...that wasn’t as much fun.

Ok, well I need you to come with me. I’m investigating a critical issue and you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me. [Long pause] And I just realised how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud.

Yes! Church, it's me!

I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me!?

Fuck! I missed him!

I knew you did!

Move out? Hey, at what point in this conversation did you think that we were buddies or somethin'? I'm not goin' with you.

Yes! You are not in our buddy club!

Shut up Caboose, and what did I tell you about that armor, when we had to pick new suits?

You told me to upgrade!

That's not an upgrade! This is Mark Six armor, that's Mark Five. This is an upgrade.

In a Top Ten list, five is better than six.

We're not a top ten list!

How do you ever get anything done if all you ever do is argue with each other?

We don't, that's part of our charm. Quit fuckin' it up!

Look, I know you guys are all wrapped up in your little "Red vs Blue" battles-

Blue vs Red battles! No one says Red vs Blue, it sounds stupid when you say it backwards.

But this is important. Actual military operations. Not your fake simulation stuff. Something is hunting our top agents, and I need all the help I can get to stop it.

Stop it? If it's killing Freelancers, I want to start a fan club for it, build it a website.

And now that the ship from your canyon is crashed, we think it's more powerful than ever. It gains new abilities every time it kills-

Wait wait wait, whoa- you found Tex's ship?

We believe so.

Where?

Come with me and I'll show you.

Ok, I'm in.

Yes, this will be the greatest road trip ever!

If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now.

Okay. I will be very depressed about how awesome this will be!

Who knows? Probably like, you know, make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

...Or he could do that.

I think he is better at distractions than you are.

Yeah.

[Over the radio] Okay, come on out. But come quietly.

OK, let's go.

Um, yes, I don't want to. Uh, you see I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.

Oh, don't be a baby. How bad could it be- [Steps into the grav-lift and is send flying through the air] -EEEEEEE! [lands, bounces, skids, hydroplanes, and eventually smacks up against the side of a jeep behind two soldiers, making "oof" sounds the whole way] That was fucking bullshit!

Did you just say somethin'?

Whuh?

I said quietly, what part of quiet don't you understand?

What part? How 'bout the part where I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air, by the God damn throwing thing'!?

Okay! [Stands up and shoots South]

Ah, son of a-

Alarm, friendly fire!

Um, she got in the way when I was trying to help her.

Okay, we're good!

That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way!

[Sarcastic] Yeah, because no one else in the military would have a standard-issue motorcycle just like that.

Also, the piles of dead bodies might have been a clue.

Just keep your heads down and your eyes open. I'm going to advance on that wall, you two get Delta and move up on the other side.

Okay.

Don't use the radio unless it's absolutely necessary.

Okay.

And don't make a move until I do.

[Annoyed] Okay!

And no screw-ups this time!

Angrily] OKAY! Are we gonna sit here on the beach all day, or we're gonna go get this thing!?

We only have one chance of this before he gets back to full power. I can't take any chances that you guys are going to botch this.

What happened?

One of the Reds just shot Church in the foot.

Ow, that fuckin' hurt!

I don't really see how we can, I can't really get a clear shot of Church from this angle.

Ow, man you guys are a bunch of dicks. I just got this foot.