Donut quotes from Red vs Blue

Oh man, I am so freakin' lost! Where the hell is the base?

SON OF A BITCH!

[yelling] Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?!

OW! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? Simmons! I need your ovaries!

For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish, press 1 too, as in also.

Ohhh, what happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. [walks toward prone figures] But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here awhile. [pause, starts humming randomly to himself]

Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant", and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod heading for—

(interrupting) Excuse me uh, sirs...?

"Sirs"? Oh crap.

I was told to report to Blood Gulch outpost number one and speak to whoever's in charge.

Sorry, man, Sarge is at command getting orders; ain't nobody in charge today.

Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

You are such a kiss-ass.

Also, he told me that if I had any trouble from you I should, [clears throat] [mimicking Sarge] "Get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can."

...That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Okay, Rookie, what's your story?

Private Donut reporting for duty, sir! Ready to fight some aliens.

Couple of things here, Rookie. First off, "Private Donut"? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

This is the standard issue red.

Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits, and since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

[referring to Simmons] Well, he's wearing red armor.

No. My armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Well, how do I get a different color armor?

I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal—

I just refuse to call him Private Donut.

We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Absolutely!

We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Yeah and, uh, pick up some... headlight fluid for the Puma too.

The what?

He means the Warthog.

You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

What? Uh, yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.

Well, get going then.

Other way.

I knew that! Just... got turned around, that's all.

How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

I'd say... at least a week.

Elbow grease! How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with the headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sergeant.

You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Finally! There it is! Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!

Wow! You got here fast!

Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?!

I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?

Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!

Yes, sir! [motions toward flag] I assume you're here because of this.

Wait... is this all you have?

Uh, yes, sir! That's it!

Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

Ummm...

Headlight fluid?

Nope. All we have is this flag.

Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that.

Sure... that makes sense... I guess...

Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

FREEZE! [aims assault rifle at Donut]

Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You could've hit me, dick!

Can it! Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge! I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

I just got here two hours ago and I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

Yeah! That's what I just said.

Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

THREE!

JESUS!

HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

What in the hell?! Tucker? Is that you?

How did you get up here ahead of me?

And what's with that black shit on your armor?

Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut's head]

Will you stop calling me a Sergeant? I'm still just a Private!

The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!

Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, (motioning towards Donut) he gets promoted to Sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?

I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!

Is this guy a retard?

Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow; just— FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

Whooo-hoooo!

Son of a bitch!

Holy shit!

Run! Jesus, run!

The jeep followed me back in time!

What the hell is going on here?

You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!

How did you get their flag?

I don't know, I just asked for it.

Wait, that worked!?

I guess. Is it not supposed to?

I don't know. We ...never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go—

There's no time to explain, Rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!

Fine! [starts running towards blue base]

Ugh, back to our base, dumbass!

Uh, I know. I just got turned around that's all.

What happened?

(panting) Big... tank... shooting... Whoo!

Damn, man, we only ran like 300 feet. You are really out of shape!

(panting) Fuck... you!

Where's your car?

General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

What the hell?

SON OF A BITCH!

Oh crap! What the hell is that thing?!

That's the tank!

Hey, uh...Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

No! Keep that away from me!

I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but i think we're screwed.

Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Sarge

[Radio sounds] Blood Gulch outpost #1, come in Blood Gulch outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge

Roger that, private. I am currently inbound to your position from command.

Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge

Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

Sarge

Am I talking to the right base?

Sarge, we are going to die here!!

Sarge

Well then hold tight boys, I think I gotta solution to your little tank problem.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

[whispers] Hey, what's going on?

What the fuck?

What?

What is that thing?

What thing?

There's something on your head.

What, is it a spider? Get it off!

No, it's not a spider. It's like a blue thing...

What, like a blue spider? Get it off!!

It's not a spider! Now calm down! It's some kind of fuzzy, pulsating thing...

That doesn't sound much better than a spider!

Does it hurt?

No.

Maybe we should try to take it off.

Good idea. Go for it.

Me? By "we", I mean you, asshole.

Well, someone needs to get it off. It might be dangerous.

SON OF A BITCH!