Doc quotes from Red vs Blue

Hey Church, we have a problem.

I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!

I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

No I didn't.

Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

What, what context?!

Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay ? I thought we'd established by now-

Excuse me?

Hey pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Look, I thought we'd established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.

Excuse me.

Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?

[Scary Voice] Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.

...he’s doing that thing again!

My name is... DuFresne. Are you Private Tucker?

No I'm not Private Tucker, my name is Church. [Turning towards Tucker] This is Private Tucker.

Yo!

And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or... O'Malley or whatever the hell he's calling himself.

Why does he always introduce me second?

Because he hates you.

I received your call for a medic.

Medic? That was like three months ago...

Yeah what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

I came here as quickly as I could. Where is the patient?

Well, about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down.

Oh... I'm sorry about your loss...

What? Oh yeah. Yeah... Thanks man... That was tough but what anybody can do...

We didn't like her very much... [Whispering] She was mean to other people.

And who's in the other grave.

That's eh... That's me! I'm in that grave.

Ahem... Of course!

See, uh, he got killed by this, uh... crazy runaway tank-

[Interrupting] Or by the idiot driving it.

Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue.

I'm a pacifist.

You're a thing that babies suck on...

No, dude, that's a pedophile.

Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking 'bout somethin' else.

That’s real classy, Tucker.

No, I’m just going to check your vitals.

I bet I have better vitals than you.

...

...

What’s a vital?

It's settled then, your name is now Doc.

Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)

Oh trust us, it'll stick.

You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

Uh… Oh! I got one. Uh, well, sometimes, when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason.

Okay; I'm just gonna start with the foot.

Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?

Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

No water, then what do you drink?

Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge

I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [Singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.

Hey, he's taking the Jeep!

HELP, the Jeep is kidnapping me!

Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

Hello, dude? Come in. Doctor-Dude, are you there? Hello? Paging Doctor-Dude, to the radio, STAT. I need 20 ccs of 'what the hell's going on there', dude.

Ugh...what happened?

Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall; the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children... not very cool, dude.

Jeez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping, honking-

Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway.

What?

'Ol Vic's been through the snip-n'-stitch, if you know what I mean.

I don't wanna hear about that-

Winky-Blinky the One-Eyed Sergeant's firin' blanks-

That's weird-

-if ya get me. It's vayo con dios to the vas deferens.

Yeah, alright. Enough. I get you.

I mean a vasectomy, dude.

It's like a thing.

It's like a thing. Okay, dude! Thank you for the update! I'll be sure to alert the Chiefs of Staff!

I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.

Use your words, dude.

You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.

I agree, except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire"!

I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!

But I'm a vegetarian!

I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls! They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting.

Sorry about the big explosion

Sorry it wasn't bigger!

Wow that guy is fast!

Thanks! I majored in track in high school; it was the least competitive sport I could find.

Track sucks.

YOU SUCK!

And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen. In which case, if I see you before you see me, look out!

Vic, pick up, it's me, [evil laughter].

Oh hey, Doctor Baron von Evil Satan. What's up, dude?

Don't screen my calls, Vic.

Dude, if you don't come up on Caller ID I'm not just gonna answer anything—

Caller ID? I'm in hiding, you buffoon! I'm trying to take over the Universe! [evil laughter]

We're also on the "Do Not Call" list.

Oh, Shut up!

What can I do Sarge?

Sarge

I need you to run right at O'Malley.

And shank him with my shiv?

Sarge

No, when he blows you up with a rocket, try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

You're kidding?

Sarge

It's a remote chance, I know, but it's worth a shot.

(Catching the two behind a rock) OBLIVION IS AT HAND! HA HA!

(Points the rocket launcher at them) Cover your ears guys. This thing is really loud.

This is it!

Not so fast O'Malley! (Everyone turns to Simmons) Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can! (A teleporter comes from nowhere, letting in the Zealot Solders)

ALRIGHT, NEW LEVEL! YEAH!

YAHOO! YAHOO! YEAH!

Hey guys, you want your flag? (All the zealots turn to Simmons) He's the one who has it! (Screen panel turns to O'Malley)

(Zealots turn to O'Malley) The crusade has begun! Our hour of glory is now at hand! Let all who would stand against us be washed in our divine light! (All the Zealots shoot at O'Malley)

NO, GET, GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, MY POWER IS DROPPING, STOP, DOWN!

We need to disarm Church's bomb Sarge.

Sarge

Right.

(Church gets struck by lightning) Yow woo hoo hoo! (Reds run up to Church)

Sarge

Hold still son, this will just take a second. (Sarge kneels down to Church's crotch)

Seriously, don't you ever install anything above the waist? (Sarge pops up again)

Sarge

OH NO! That last lightning bolt fused the detonator! There's no way to turn this thing off!

Can you do it manually?

Sarge

Impossible. I specifically designed it so I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Why?

Sarge

In case I fell into the wrong hands, and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Nice thinking Sir.

You just had to get one last ass kiss in before we die, didn't you?

("tea-bagging" O'Malley) HUP HUP HUP!

NO, NOT, THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Let me try, let me try, heh heh heh, take that dude!

I'M BEING VIOLATED!!

Church, (Tucker points a rocket launcher at Church) there's only one thing I can do.

Hey, what the hell?!

There's only twenty seconds left!

If I blow you up before the bomb goes off, there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

But the rocket will kill me!

TEN SECONDS!

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY WHEN THE BOMB GOES OFF!

Hey, what can I tell you pal? Misery loves company.

FIVE SECONDS!

Sorry Church.

Aw man, this blows, you guys suck. (Tucker suddenly gets shot at the side)

WHAT THE HELL?! (Screen panel shows Agent Wyoming with a sniper)

Sorry Privet Tucker, but I always get my man. Say good bye.

Uh, guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Uh oh. (Church's bomb makes a series of beeps and dial noises)

What? Oh, son of a b- (Camera pans out to show the entire map, a small explosion is seen, then the camera fades to white)