Sister quotes from Red vs Blue

Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?!

Doc, I don't think this situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but god knows what kind of reinforcements they have on that thing! It could be a whole new squad, or a freelancer, or -

Grif's Sister?!

Yeah! Isn't it cool?

And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons-

Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.

Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.

WOOO-HOOO!

Not you!

Aw...

Okay, whatever. Get off! Hi everyone, I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.

Boo, you suck!

Grif, get off the stage!

Oh, sorry (leaves)

Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

(shouting) Boo! You suck!

Hey, everybody, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was really old, and that's gross.

Haha, I wrote that line!

Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once

Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.

But girls can't be color blind!

Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?

Yeah! Wait, what?!

We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!

No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

You know that trick?

I learned from the best.

Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

You mean after we dig up Sarge.

No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.

What are girly laps?

Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.

[pumps shotgun off screen]

And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.

As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.

But what about Sarge?

You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Aspirin overdose.

See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?

I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.

Yeah... wait, what?

Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!

Oh, my God, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

Because -

And don't say because nobody asked!

But nobody did ask!

God damn it.

So what if she is a blue? We'll still keep her.

We can't do that! She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her!

Do I get to do that? 'Cause that would be awesome!

No she wouldn't! Besides, she's color blind! We'll just tell her we're blues!

Uh, hello? We already told her we're red. Idiot.

Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're blue now.

Woo-hoo! Go Blue! Let's win!

See?

Yeah, this is bullshit.

Ask for something else.

Uh, we want something else!

What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

Got any money?

Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.

Don't do me any favors, bitch.

What else was on the ship?

What do you mean?

Y'know like guns or weapons...

Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.

Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Woo-hoo!

God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!

No take backs!

Oh, what the fuck?!

[runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!

Who's gone?

Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Oh, calm down.

Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?

Yeah, okay. You're a Blue.

Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!

No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you gotta get out of here before Simmons digs up Sarge.

I love digging. I wanna help!

No, you're leaving.

Where am I going?

The other base.

The Red base?

No, the Blue base.

We have two bases? Awesome!

Move!

Well, uh, welcome to the blue team. I guess we should probably give you some kind of orientation or something like that. So, this is the, uh, this is the base here. It's the outside of the base, inside's on the inside, you go through that door right there, to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller. Does the same thing, though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's a middle part and there's a top part. Got some, you know, blue flags here... on the outside. Those come in handy when... you're trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyway, that pretty much covers the base. So, anyway, uh, that's it.

Cool.

I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.

That's it?

That's it.

Sounds easy.

Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?

Training?

Yeah, what have you been told so far?

Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?

No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?

Uhh those sound violent.

Operations?

I don't even know how that works.

Communications?

Say What?!

Intelligence?

Uhhh... Huh?

Oh, great...

Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.

Yeah... Wait, what?

And this is Tucker.

Sup.

Hey.

Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.

I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.

I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?

Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-

Blarg.

Oh cool! You have a dog?

Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.

Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?

Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!

I thought about having a kid once.

Oh, really? It's a lot of work.

Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

Heh, yeah... Wait, what?

Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.

[whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

Caboose, what did I tell you?

That there are no regular girls.

Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.

What do I tell her?

Well, I already know the rule.

I hate that stupid rule!

Go show her Doc and Sheila.

The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.

Who's the black one?

The black one?

Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.

The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?

Yup, that's the hole all right.

That's what I told you!

Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!

Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.

Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!

Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

RETREAT!

Ahh!

Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!

Who is that?

That's Tex.

Whoa! He's a badass!

[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.

He's kinda hot.

Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.

Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.

[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]

Are you seriously asking that question right now?

The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.

You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.

Why is she shooting at us?

How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Well, go out there and tell her to stop!

Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Aren't you like, the leader, or something?

Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.

Awesome!

Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]

She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.

[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.

Nice recon work.

I'm gonna go get my body back.

Yeah, good idea.

Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?

Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Freeze! Nobody move!

We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."

Shut up!

Whatever.

Tex, what is your problem?

My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.

Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.

You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.

Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.

Typical..

Who's O'Malley?

Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.

Sounds scary.

Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.

Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching

Okay, never mind.

None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?

Who's the girl?

What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.

You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?

Oh... um...

Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.

You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.

Hey, who's the yellow soldier?

That's just Sister. She's new.

No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!

Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.

Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-

I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.

First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!

Dude, you're a dork.

Hey.

What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?

Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!

Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.

Hi!

Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.

...What the fuck just happened?