Tucker quotes from Red vs Blue

What are they doing?

...What?!

I said, what are they doing now?

God... damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question—

You have the fucking rifle; I can't see shit! So don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick—

Okay, okay, look: they're just standing there and talking. Okay? That's all they're doing— that's all they ever do— is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"

...What are they talking about?

You know what? I fucking hate you.

What is that thing?

I dunno. It looks like... Uh... It looks like they've got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

A car? How come they get a car?!

What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

[mutters to himself] You can't pick up chicks in a tank...

Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! Frig! And secondly, how're we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Well, what kind of car is it?

I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh ...like a big cat of some kind.

...What, like a puma?

Yeah, man, there you go.

So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Hey kid?

Yeah?

You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Oh... okay. You got it, man!

You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Oh, man! Listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?

Church, women are like Voltron; the more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Me? I can't drive that thing!

You're telling me you're not armor certified?

I ca— I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?

No! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!

Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!

[to Caboose] Yeah, okay. Whatever, moron! [back to Tucker] Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second. What did he just say?

Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...

Is that bad?

Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!

There! There he is!

Where? [sees Donut] Oh! Yeah! Oh, I got him! He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

He must be one smart son of a bitch.

Oh shit! Hey, Tucker, look at his armor. It's red.

Oh man! That means it's their sergeant.

Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.

Uh...you know...he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

Rodger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge. [takes four shots; all miss]

Aw crap. [sees Tucker staring] What?

You're really not very good with that thing, are you?

Oh, great. Now he's taunting us! That's just embarrassing.

All right, that's it! I've had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

Right!

Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

There is no way I'm going through that thing.

Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

We already tested the teleporter, remember?

We threw rocks through it!

Yeah and so what? The rocks came through the other side, didn't they?

Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then? You're afraid of a little black stuff.

Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

Tucker, I almost hate to do this to ya. [Church points his gun at him]

You wouldn't.

You know, I look at it this way: either a) we go through there and get the flag back, or b) we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

For the record, I want you to know: rocks aren't people.

Duly noted. Now get in there.

Crap! All right. One... two...

Huh. He didn't come out the other side...

Yeah. I've, uh... I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

Okay, Rookie, you stay here. I'll be back with the flag.

FREEZE! [aims assault rifle at Donut]

Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You could've hit me, dick!

Can it! Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge! I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

I just got here two hours ago and I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

Yeah! That's what I just said.

Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

THREE!

JESUS!

HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

What in the hell?! Tucker? Is that you?

How did you get up here ahead of me?

And what's with that black shit on your armor?

Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut's head]

Will you stop calling me a Sergeant? I'm still just a Private!

The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!

Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, (motioning towards Donut) he gets promoted to Sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?

I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!

Is this guy a retard?

Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow; just— FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

Whooo-hoooo!

Son of a bitch!

Holy shit!

Run! Jesus, run!

The jeep followed me back in time!

What the hell is going on here?

You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!

How did you get their flag?

I don't know, I just asked for it.

Wait, that worked!?

I guess. Is it not supposed to?

I don't know. We ...never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go—

There's no time to explain, Rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!

Fine! [starts running towards blue base]

Ugh, back to our base, dumbass!

Uh, I know. I just got turned around that's all.

My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

(obviously annoyed) Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

Well... yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to you.

(whispering) Psst! Hey! They stopped firing.

Why are you whispering?

(whispering) Ummm...I don't know.

Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

No they're not! Look! They left the jeep. They're gone!

Well... I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy but... a'ight, screw it! Let's go get it.

Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Because it's locked on!

Target locked.

Well, unlock it!

Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.