Tex quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

[sighs] Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

I... I don't know... Like ten... Ten-twenty? Twenty-five bucks? ... You're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

Sarge

Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man. I'll give you a 10 second head-start before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.

Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry about-

Sarge

5 mississippi, 6 mississippi.

Okay, I guess I'd better get going.

Hey guys! Not funny, somebody could get hurt here!

That's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

[Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]

...Right. That too.

Hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

I'm scared...

[talking to Tex but Tex is not listening] So you've got the special forces black armor I see... Were you in the special forces at some point? [Tex reloads some more] Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th- [Tex leaves] Okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

[whispers] I don't think he likes you.

[Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Did Tex get into the base?

Yeah.

Blue team flag returned.

What the?! Who said that?

[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Hey, its Church!

Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Hey Church, what are you up to?

Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

That sidewinder is cold!

argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Not to let him get involved?

Right, and what did you do?

We let him get involved.

And not just a little involved, how involved?

Very, very involved.

Sarge

Freeze.

Sarge

Drop your weapons.

Hey buddy.

Sarge

What?

You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Whatever no one likes you anyway.

Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Well, that's just perfect!

What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

She?

Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge

Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!

So, you're a girl, huh?

Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Yeah right. What are you gonna do, punch me?

Ahhhh! Not in the face!

Hey man, what's up, yo?

Um, hey. What's going on out there, sir?

What, uh, why, nothing. Why would you ask if something's wrong?

I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Yeah well, I don't know. You're startin' to act kinda suspicious there... other red guy, so I'm keeping my eye on you.

Sarge, I'm starting to think tha- [Church huts Simmons in the back of the head ] OWWW! Jeez, the back of my head.

What the hell are you doing?!

Tex, it's me, Church. I'm here to rescue you.

You're a little short to be Church.

What? Oh yeah, right the armor. [Church leaves Sarge's body]

Sarge

What in Sam hell? Where the... who spat on my visor?

Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy so that I can sneak into the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, covered in black stuff that they got from going through the teleporter.

Okay.

What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

Nope, it pretty much all makes sense.

Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

I can see through you, it's pretty obvious.

Okay, well let me pop back into this guy and we'll get out of here.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.

Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

[before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

So since you're helping us, I guess you're not so mean after all.

I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get paid to do mean things.

Yeah but you like it.

Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. [Caboose was told to watch "the base" in case the Reds see them, but he is watching Blue base.] You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

Aw man, how come they get a girl?!

[from ground level] Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin'... right here?

Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.

And what the hell does that mean?

...Nothing! [both quickly back up from the ledge]

No! Heauegerkergerk!

Hey Church, you okay in there? Church. Do I need to flip your switch? [Church reappears in the back round as in his ghost form]

What the?! That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?! [Lopez turns towards the Blues]

Well, buenos días cock bites. Guess who's back?

[Ghost Version] Get out of my body, Right NOW Tex!

[Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!

Yeah, but I stole it first!

I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.

Well, ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys A LOT.

Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time. [Tucker faces a rock what says on the back of it "KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!"] Like even when we're alone?

Yes Tucker. And you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

[Tucker faces the ground] It's very lonely out here.

Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially like the part where Church got pants'd in High School.

I found that part entirely out of context.

But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.

I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

And then I can get my body back. Deal?

Deal.

Alright, Tex and I will possess Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.

Right.

What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!

I don't know. Come up with a plan.

Come on. You know how I feel about plans.

You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.

Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?

Yeah, that's right.

Yep.

Wow. You guys are a lot of help.

I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!

Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!

[To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.

Yeah, we've met.

And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!

Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.

Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

I'm gonna go look for girls.

You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!

Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.

Aww, that's sweet.

Shut up, Bitch.

Asshole.

Uuuuugghhh...

Come on mister Blue guy, you gotta wake up, wake up!

It hurts...just let me die.

You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.

You see? Boring stuff, like oppression and a hostile work environment!

Get Doc, I need Doc.

I can't, he got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped! He's the one who shot you, don't you remember?

I know, I want him to shoot me again.

Now, now, now. Sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's. If you were gonna die, you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize you're gonna to have to live with intense pain.

Get that Sarge guy. Have him make me a new body.

Ugh, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke, and Sarge left with the others to go chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch 'em.

Keeping secrets? I find that attractive

You do?

In attractive people, yeah