Caboose quotes from Red vs Blue

Hey, you don't think it's the sword that's makin' him sick, do you?

I don't see how. It hasn't sneezed once.

We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

Or, maybe it runs on solar power!

Why would solar power make him sick?

Is he a Republican?

(retches)

That better have been in your bucket!

I'll get the mop.

Andy, what in the Hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure you guys took?

How should I know?

He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...

Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!

I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.

He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

Hm... it's quiet. Too quiet.

Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

Alright Hold it right there!

[Subtitled] I see someone now. I think he has a gun.

Yes, I see that. Thank you for keeping us informed... Moron.

That was a warning shot, O'Malley. If you make any funny moves, the next one is going right in the middle of your visor.

You think you can make that shot from here?

Uhh, probably not since I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God, I think someone fuck's with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.

Okay, everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket". Muaheheheh!

Uhh... Sorry, I'm busy.

Caboose?

I can't.

Well, why not?

Oh. Because... I am allergic to things I don't want to do... [Fakes coughing] ...Coughing.

Ok, just more fun for me.

Hey, guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

What is it, Doc?

You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

Just tell us, Doc. We can take it.

Your friend is -

Dying? Oh, no!

No, he's not dying, he just has -

No chance to live. I knew it!

Caboose, one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

How do I say this, your friend is...

Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

Oh, good... Wait, what?

Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

All right, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund

No it's true. We found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. I think.

(to Andy and Caboose) Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

(chuckles) Don't look at me! Tucker's not my type!

Cha! Me neither. And, uh, maybe we should have the...doctor explain, uh, just how babies are made, y'know? Uh, in case someone...in the group, uh, may not exactly know how that happens...

Oh my God, Caboose shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaaaard... this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how this whole thing started.

Alright, what's wrong? You seem nervous.

What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy!

Hey! No one is pregnant! And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk, man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

(short pause) I'd like that.

Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, let me get you started. There's three holes. (short, maniacal laugh)

Oh, gross

I meant in the bowling ball!

Sarge

[Grabs Andy and replaces him with Lopez] Yoink!

Andy?

...Andy?

What happened to you?

Rapido, antes de les que se vuelvan. Cave un agujero y entiérreme. Por favor.

Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.

Andy, you turned in to a real boy!

Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?

Oh, boy. Caboose, you better go boil some water.

How can you think of soup at a time like this?

Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

WHAT!?

Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Sheila, shut him up.

(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Is that a no?!

Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

Come in, Church. Come in.

Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

(aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge

That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

What. Was that.

Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

It's not mine!

(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

Caboose, where's Doc?

(still lying on the ground) Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.

Well actually, that's because he was born today. Like, an hour ago.

We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.

Where's Tucker?

Still in a coma.

Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.

I'm fine, by the way. Don't worry about me... [pause] I'm so cold...

Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down -

No, it's not. Look! Caboose is already back in action!

[wanders out of Blue base] I'm okay! I'm okay! [falls down] I'm not okay!

He's fine.

Also, I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

Oh, and I forgot that part. The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile. [pauses] Awesome.

See him there? Right there? The yellow one.

[aiming sniper rifle] The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.

The other yellow one. Dumbass.

Oh, that new yellow person - oh, yes, of course, yes. Ah... he looks very scary, yes, and I know that because I'm looking right at him, right now, yes, he's yellow, yes, this is very interesting.

[sighs] You don't even see him do you?

Yeah, I - I don't even know how to use this thing.