Sarge quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

Ow! There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.

Sarge

Yeah! I am the winner of... what the hell am I lookin' at?

Sarge

How 'bout a tasty lead sandwich with a side of Sarge! [He uses his shotgun to kill Grif.] Hold the life...and the mayo.

Sarge

Dr. Sarge M.D. to the emergency room! Prescription, death. Diagnosis, SHOTGUN! [Sarge melee's Grif with his shotgun.]

Sarge

A priest, a rabbi and Grif all walk into a bar, and I kill 'em!

Sarge

Hey, Blue, how do you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets; in your face! [Sarge teabags Tucker repeatedly.] How do you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears; deez nuuuuuuts.

Sarge

My favorite part was the part when you died! Encore! Bravo!

Sarge

Here, we have a run-down soldier, but today we'll show you that with a few simple modifications, you can make an attractive corpse. [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] It's a good thing.

Sarge

Dr. Sarge says take two barrels of this shotgun and call me in the morning when you're dead! Ring ring, hello? Is it you? Yep, you're dead!

Sarge

Hey, anyone got any gas?

Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.

Yeah, no shit, that's why they should have put us in charge.

Sarge

Ladies! Front and center on the double!

Fuck!

Yes sir!

Sarge

Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social!

Ice cream social?

Sarge

Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Uhh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge

[sarcastically] That's exactly it, Private. War's over, we won; turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!

I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge

God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep.

Oh I'd do it, too.

Sarge

I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Crap, we're getting a rookie.

Sarge

That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

Shotgun.

Shotgun... Fuck!

Sarge

May I introduce our new Light-Reconnaissance Vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, MAG bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the "Warthog".

Why "Warthog", Sir?

Sarge

Because "M12 LRV" is too hard to say in conversation, son.

No, but, why "Warthog"? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...

Sarge

Say that again?

I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge

What in Sam Hell is a "puma"?

Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?

No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge

You're making that up.

I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge

Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Yes, sir!

Sarge

Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

...A walrus.

Sarge

Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

Sarge

So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with: the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

No, sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge

Are you sure? How 'bout Big Foot?

It's okay.

Sarge

Unicorn?

No, really. I'm... I'm cool.

Sarge

Sasquatch?

Leprechaun?

Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

Sarge

Phoenix?

[sigh] [muttering] Christ.

Sarge

Hey Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.

Sarge

Hey Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it.

I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but i think we're screwed.

Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Sarge

[Radio sounds] Blood Gulch outpost #1, come in Blood Gulch outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge

Roger that, private. I am currently inbound to your position from command.

Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge

Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

Sarge

Am I talking to the right base?

Sarge, we are going to die here!!

Sarge

Well then hold tight boys, I think I gotta solution to your little tank problem.

Sarge

[sighs] Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

I... I don't know... Like ten... Ten-twenty? Twenty-five bucks? ... You're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

Sarge

Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man. I'll give you a 10 second head-start before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.

Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry about-

Sarge

5 mississippi, 6 mississippi.

Okay, I guess I'd better get going.

Hey guys! Not funny, somebody could get hurt here!

That's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

[Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]

...Right. That too.

Hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

I'm scared...

[talking to Tex but Tex is not listening] So you've got the special forces black armor I see... Were you in the special forces at some point? [Tex reloads some more] Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th- [Tex leaves] Okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

[whispers] I don't think he likes you.