Well, uh, welcome to the blue team. I guess we should probably give you some kind of orientation or something like that. So, this is the, uh, this is the base here. It's the outside of the base, inside's on the inside, you go through that door right there, to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller. Does the same thing, though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's a middle part and there's a top part. Got some, you know, blue flags here... on the outside. Those come in handy when... you're trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyway, that pretty much covers the base. So, anyway, uh, that's it.
I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.
Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?
Yeah, what have you been told so far?
Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?
No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?
I don't even know how that works.
Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.
There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!
You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?
No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.
[stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?
[stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?
Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.
I didn't see any bats, okay?
I don't know what bats smell like!
And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.
It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.
Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.
I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.
I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?
Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.
Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-
Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.
Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?
Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!
I thought about having a kid once.
Oh, really? It's a lot of work.
Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?
Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.
[whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?
Caboose, what did I tell you?
That there are no regular girls.
Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.
Well, I already know the rule.
Go show her Doc and Sheila.
The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.
You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.
Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.
The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?
