A character in Red vs Blue
Simmons
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Red vs Blue: in 159 of its 504 quotes
Most scenes with: Grif (116), Sarge (71), Donut (44)
[Camera goes to Simmons in Chiron TL34]
Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? Just great, I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.
[Simmons turns on radio]
Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters which should take me anywhere in the universe...or it's the janitors closet. Hell, I don't fuckin' know. Sarge!? Are you there? Sarge!?
Man, I wish Grif was here. I could convince him there was food underground, and he would dig half a hole for me! Or maybe a third of a hole... then he'd use the shovel to eat oatmeal...... On second thought, I don't wish Grif was here.
Sarge?
Shotgun!
Most people have a insatiable thirst for gas I know I do.
Caboose! I didn't mean it literally.
I'm just glad it came out of his mouth.
Yes sir.(tries to turn on warthog but stalls)
Hey.
Mmyeah?
D'you ever wonder why we're here?
It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some... cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
...What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?
Oh. Uhhhhh. Yeah.
And what was all that stuff about God?
Uhhhhh. Hm? Nothing.
...Do you want to talk about it?
No.
You sure?
Yes.
Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
Mmhm.
The only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
Well, yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.
No, no, but I mean... even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fuckin-doo.
What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens, next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant Armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of blue guys!
Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.
Yeah, no shit, that's why they should have put us in charge.
Ladies! Front and center on the double!
Fuck!
Yes sir!
Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social!
Ice cream social?
Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?
Uhh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
[sarcastically] That's exactly it, Private. War's over, we won; turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep.
Oh I'd do it, too.
I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Crap, we're getting a rookie.
That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.
[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]
Shotgun.
Shotgun... Fuck!
May I introduce our new Light-Reconnaissance Vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, MAG bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the "Warthog".
Why "Warthog", Sir?
Because "M12 LRV" is too hard to say in conversation, son.
No, but, why "Warthog"? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
Say that again?
I think it looks more like a puma.
What in Sam Hell is a "puma"?
Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?
No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.
You're making that up.
I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Yes, sir!
Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?
...A walrus.
Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!
So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with: the Warthog. How about it, Grif?
No, sir. No more suggestions.
Are you sure? How 'bout Big Foot?
It's okay.
Unicorn?
No, really. I'm... I'm cool.
Sasquatch?
Leprechaun?
Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.
Phoenix?
[sigh] [muttering] Christ.
Hey Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.
Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.
Hey Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it.
Hey, that's not exactly what happened.
Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant", and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod heading for—
(interrupting) Excuse me uh, sirs...?
"Sirs"? Oh crap.
I was told to report to Blood Gulch outpost number one and speak to whoever's in charge.
Sorry, man, Sarge is at command getting orders; ain't nobody in charge today.
Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
You are such a kiss-ass.
Also, he told me that if I had any trouble from you I should, [clears throat] [mimicking Sarge] "Get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can."
...That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
Okay, Rookie, what's your story?
Private Donut reporting for duty, sir! Ready to fight some aliens.
Couple of things here, Rookie. First off, "Private Donut"? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
This is the standard issue red.
Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits, and since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.
[referring to Simmons] Well, he's wearing red armor.
No. My armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
Well, how do I get a different color armor?
I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.
Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal—
I just refuse to call him Private Donut.
We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
Absolutely!
We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease.
Yeah and, uh, pick up some... headlight fluid for the Puma too.
The what?
He means the Warthog.
You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?
What? Uh, yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.
Well, get going then.
[Donut starts to go left]
Other way.
[Donut turns around and goes right]
I knew that! Just... got turned around, that's all.
[Donut goes off frame]
How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
I'd say... at least a week.
[camera cuts to Donut]
Elbow grease! How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with the headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sergeant.
You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
[Donut walks towards Blue base]
Finally! There it is! Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red vs Blue pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
