Hey, who's the yellow soldier?
That's just Sister. She's new.
No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!
Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.
Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-
I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.
First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!
What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?
Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!
Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.
Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?
Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.
...What the fuck just happened?
Uh, I don't know how to do that.
Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!
It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.
Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]
[Pause] I see your point.
Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]
Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!
Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.
Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.
[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.
What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]
Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]
Ow! What is going on around here?
I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.
Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.
Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!
Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]
Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?
Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!
They must have taken him!
Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...
A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.
He's probably a million miles away by now!
Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
But who knows what direction!
Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
Ugh. What direction did you say?
So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.
Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]
What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?
No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.
Um, how should I distract Sheila?
Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.
I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.
So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.
I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.
Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?
Please! You call this working?
See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.
Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.
Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.
What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?
She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.
Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?
Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.
Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.
