Max quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

You can't be within a thousand feet of a school, Mr. B Natural!

I'm gonna join Reel Big Fish.

You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.

I'm going off duty for the day.

Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.

Joel

Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.

Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.

Servo

We'll be the judge of that.

Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.

We're being followed!

Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!

Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!

Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.

Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]

Joel

Oh, ninjas never had those.

Damn. He knows Doug Henning.

You all right?

I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

I'm here. Are you?

Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.

I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]

You're a wry wit.

Well Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. What an achievement.

If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with. Technically, this was our third episode.

Okay come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90, Mickey and Minnie's 25th Anniversary, uh... the 40th Anniversary of pulling Song of the South off the shelves- I don't know! We have got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake!

No no no, hey! [slaps the lighter from his hand] We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Wh- ... [sighs] Happy 200th, Max.

...Yeah, okay.

Push the 200th button, Max.

[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film] Uh, is this that Hamilton show everyone's talking about?

It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head.

[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely] Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?!

[begging] Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind!

What have we done to offend thee?!

Answer me! You guys are scaring me!

Who must we kill to slake thy anger?

[growing more uneasy] Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?!

[sobbing in horror] Make it stop!!

[as 'Movie Sign' blares] Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go!

[to Servo] What was all that about?

Servo

That wasn't us.

Your experiment is a pecs-and-princess epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield.

It stinks like feta cheese!

Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho!

No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas.

From now on, we're dumbing things down.

Yeah. Once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart with our invention exchange, a new pharmaceutical we call, Algernon!

I don't know. Anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry can't be very safe.

Relax, ex-fiancé! No one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff our drug could do to you in the advertisement. Algernon...

Hi, I'm Synthia. As a clone I lacked basic intelligence, but that changed when I started taking Algernon.

Algernon...

Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on the market.

Grow your brain with Algernon, dumbasses!

[speaking rapidly] Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship, and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor. Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting.

[rapidly speaking] Algernon should not be ingested even in jest. For more warnings, see our ad in Golf Magazine.

Algernon made me so smart, I realized it was dangerous, and I should stop taking it.

Algernon!

[pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven] Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg?

[very annoyed] ... Flush them the movie!

No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would blow their minds.

...... No.

For three decades, the Forrester family experiment has resided on a number of platforms.

Comedy Central, the Sci-fi Channel, Netflix...

Connected to the Gizmoplex!

... Our premiere theater!!! ... for all things Mystery Science Theater 3000. A bright and shining beacon to the worst that cinema has to offer.

Can't believe I'm really on the dark side of the moon.

Well, as a matter of fact, it's all dark.

Good evening, Jonah. Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills, chills, and since I'm making soup, very likely spills.

Max, I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly to clear away those cobwebs! The Gizmoplex looks like the inside of Charles Addams' coffin.

I just thought, because it's Halloween and all-

You thought you'd be lazier than usual? Clean it up!

Fine, but if the Great Pumpkin doesn't show up, I'm blaming you.

Uh, there is no Great Pumpkin. Haven't you ever seen the end of the special?

I never get that far, because it's too scary!