Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

A dagger is placed into the ground--

Servo

A voice-over is placed into the script.

… and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.

Joel

Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!

… having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…

And then tragedy struck -- we ran out of stock footage!

Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.

Called "Blood Alley"

No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...

It made you feel happy.

Here comes someone from one direction and...

...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.

Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!

Servo

Well, I guess he can't be a witness...

[introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova] If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. [Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully] On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City.

[as Dr. Gordon] I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word.

[cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation] The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet.

Servo

Yes, it's not very polite.

Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas.

Joel

And she's cute too.

Servo

Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling really good!

Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a Fugitive Alien sequel, we're in for the two most painful hours of our lives! [Servo begins crying]

Joel

Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now.

A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star...

Servo

[crying] We know...

... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part...

Seen it!

Servo

Taped it! [cries more]

Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion...

Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes.

Ken will never forget her.

Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh?

After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.

Servo

Oh, you mean the '80s.

O is for once...

Servo

"Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?

Servo

O is for the obscene treatment of animals.

Joel

P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.

Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!

P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! [N]

X is for Xmas...

Servo

X is for existential dilemma.

...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!

Joel

Yeah, well, you're full of skit.

Tom

Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.

Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

Doesn't Bombo look tired?

Yes, very much so.

No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

Tommy reminds Jimmy--

Joel

Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!

--when Jimmy stands off-balance.

Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.

Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!

Tom

Heh-heh... what?

Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...

...in a prison break.

...and now, it's mended as good as new.

Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.