Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

1930 total quotes

100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!
Take one down, pass it around,
99 years of solitude!

Adam: You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
Crow: And hula hoops and dungarees?
Adam: Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!
Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]: I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

Adams: Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death.
Exeter: The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.
Servo [as Exeter]: You fine, foxy lady!

Alex: I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing?
Judy: Dancing? Oh, Alex, how dreamy!
Crow: [begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]

Ann: Everything he wanted was everything I needed...
Crow [as Ann]: So neither of us actually got anything.

Ann: Hey, how did you know who I was?
Officer: Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
Mike: Fred Burrows?
Servo: Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.

Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken -- never jumped at all.
Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]

April: Women can make a difference.
Crow: Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid.

Ariel: What is your name?
Maciste: Maciste, and yours?
Crow: [holding back laughter] Cheesesteak?

Astronaut: I.M.U., ready to launch.
Crow: You are not me, stop saying that!

Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined.
Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist!

Baroness De Ghent: We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!
Crow: The First Lutheran!
. . .
Baroness De Ghent: Your features are so”¦ masculine.
Mike [as De Ghent]: You look like Pat Summerall.
. . .
Baroness De Ghent: No wonder you're built for hard labour.
Crow [as De Ghent]: You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.

Bell Woman: ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest.
[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]
Crow [as nerdy guy]: The FĂĽhrer will like that!

Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father”¦
Mike [as Franklin]: ”¦James Joyce.
Ben Franklin: ”¦something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers?

Bernie: I feel real free in that wild blue sky.
Crow [as Bernie]: Cops can't touch me up there.
Bernie: ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
Mike [as Bernie]: Poopin' on people.