Dr. Clayton Forrester quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting!

Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick--and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.

Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone.

[horrified] Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin!

[introducing the movie] Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: "Manos": The Hands of Fate, served with a short: the stirring conclusion to Hired!.

Well, here it comes, Joel -- Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!

[entering Deep 13; first lines] Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here!

Did you wear your disguise?

I was, but I just don't look that good in heels.

No-one must know we're down here doing this!

[meekly] I'm sorry.

[to Forrester] Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center again.

I only did that once! [Erhardt sternly clears his throat] OK, twice.

It was three times!

The third time I used the incendiaries, and it didn't make the building blow up, it just made it burn. Really... quickly.

[while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player] Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman!

Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. [shows record] Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... [scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound] Now open it.

They'll stay.

Close it. [shrill scratching sound continues]

They'll leave.

And so on and so forth.

[calling into the Satellite of Love to address Joel for the Invention Exchange] Come in, Joel; you tree-rotating skanky boy!

[impressed] Not bad; not bad.

We believe these truths to be evident- and obvious.

Servo

Please give to the United Robot College Fund!

Joel

Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? [addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt] What do you think, sirs?

Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?!

Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped.

[during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy] We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! [to Dr. Forrester] May I?

Enjoy!

[as Ernhardt bites down] Ow! That's my head! Owwww!

Well, what do you think of that?

Joel

[disgusted] You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think!

Joel

What happened to you?

We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion Walkman and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened.

Are you alright, Clay?

[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat] Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science.

I think the swelling is going down.

Yes; and I think you should file this. [hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more] Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner.

Joel

Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?

We couldn't get it!

[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake] I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist!

[while the SOL crew laugh] Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn).

Joel

This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. [pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench] Works every time!