Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 12
[pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven] Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg?
[very annoyed] ... Flush them the movie!
No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would blow their minds.
...... No.
[as officers inspect their boat] I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week.
But this time, it's different.
It's my birthday.
You can say that again.
It's my birthday.
This time we got the jackpot.
We caught us a money shark! Check it out!
[holding up a catch of fish] Eh?
Finding Nemo my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family!
You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive.
He's a miracle!
But he looks pretty healthy.
Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's extremely efficacious. [snickers]
Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script.
[as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate] Ah ah ah, much too heavy for a man in your delicate condition.
Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book.
[after the obese Ollie is pulled into the pool by Robert Lasky]
Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed!
It's especially humiliating because he had so much dignity in the first place.
I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling.
Curse this final form!
[singing] Will I see many sea anemones? No no, there are no sea anemones to see. But though I don't see baracuda or a school of ahi tuna, I'll still rip off Jaws one and two and three!
Where have you two been?
In the shower.
Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm?
[playing backgammon] I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves.
Lathering, rinsing, repeating...
Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage.
Maybe I should take a lesson from you.
In the shower?
Here, you two play. Go ahead.
In the shower? Tom, you take the next one.
No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off.
In the SHOWER???
[as a very cheap looking tornado breaks the dam causing a flood]
If you look out the left side of the tram, you'll see a twister from the movie Twister. And there's the flash flood section of the backlot. You might recognize it from The Three Amigos, and The China Syndrome. Hopefully you're wearing your raincoats, because the dam broke. Of course, this is just the magic of special effects, courtesy of three giant pumps that can move 10,000 gallons of water in sixty seconds. This concludes our tour! Hope you enjoyed our new Killer Fish ride at Universal.
[as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas] Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves!
Ugh, not now, M Waverly.
[utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters] Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this.
Jonah, are we really doing an Apollo 13 bit? It's 23 years old.
We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line!
It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain.
Why not just leave the fox? Is there any situation where you'd need a fox?
My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels.
Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight.
Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower.
Exactly.
And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum.
And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they are the raft!
Ohhh!
Ann and Gabrielle are the oars!
Kate's hair is the sail!
Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel!
Exactly! And Ollie...
[beat]
Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this.
Yeah.
Yeah that's a good point...
[as Ollie is swarmed by piranhas]
[as Ollie bleeds in the water] Hey, Kool-Aid!
Take my hand, Ollie!
I can't!
Curse this delicious honey-barbecue flavored blood of mine!
...
[Ollie is killed, and bloody water is all the remains]
Who wants Kool-Aid? Did you guys do that one already?
Yeah, we did.
Okay, I'll be right over here.
You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft?
[chuckling] That's all we've got. Let's try it.
Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you?
[an explosion happens]
Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long.
Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna?
No, but thanks, Growler.
Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye.
What?
[as Lasky jumps into piranha-infested waters to catch Paul on the raft, causing the piranhas to attack him]
My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some?
[Jonah and the bots gag]
Oh, you're disgusting!
That's just gross! Come on.
Come on Growler!
Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here.
[as piranhas attack Lasky]
At this point, I'm just stress-eating!
Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios.
Why hasn't David Blaine tried this?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
