Lines by Mike Nelson 207
[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]
MNMike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]
Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.
[Over the "The End" card]
MikeThe end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!
The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie)
[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]
Mike
Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!
[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]
Mike
Oh, Donald.
[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]
Mike
Maybe they'll all turn into butter.
[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]
Mike
That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!
[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]
Mike
Guys, this is so not Illinois.
[All three are sitting in the front seat; Audrey is driving, Ed in the center:]
MAMike [as Audrey]
Wait, this isn't a stick shift... AAGGGHHH!!
[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
Mike
[cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Mike
Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]
MAMike [as announcer]
It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]
[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]
Mike
Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!
[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]
MAMike [as boy]
I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!
[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]
MAMike [as Santa]
Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!
[As the Dancing Woman arrives at Motorama...]
Mike
Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
