[title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.]
CCrow
Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.
“King Dinosaur” · Season 2
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (6), Joel Robinson (5), Tom Servo (3), Narrator (1), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1), Patricia (1)
[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]
CMCommissioner Magee
The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
CACrow [as Magee]
If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.
CMCommissioner Magee
We kill…
Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
CMCommissioner Magee
… and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
. . .
SAServo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]
You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.
[The scene fades to an intersection]
Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
CACrow [as Narrator]
Called "Blood Alley"
No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
JAJoel [as Narrator]
It made you feel happy.
[Scene pans to a car approaching]
Here comes someone from one direction and...
[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]
...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
JAJoel [as Narrator]
Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!
[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]
Well, I guess he can't be a witness...
King Dinosaur (movie)
[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguana T. rex.]
BDr. Bennett
Oh Ralph, what is it?!
CCrow
[yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!
[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake] I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist!
CCrow
[while the SOL crew laugh] Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn).
This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. [pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench] Works every time!
[Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]
It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine.
Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun!
CCrow
Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more.
That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. [as Joey] You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me!
Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine.
[as Joey, hitting Servo] Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story.
[singing] Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!
[as Joey] Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way.
L is for "Lemur"...
[as Joey] L is for Lemur- 'nuff said!
CCrow
E is for "eat".
[as Joey] E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure!
CCrow
M is for "monkey"!
[as Joey] M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show!
U is for "unusual"...
CCrow
...and "unpredictable"!
[as Joey] Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on Johnny Carson's sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go!
[uneasy] Uh, R is for "radical"...
CCrow
...and "rambunctious"! [immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]
[as Joey] Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo!
Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur!
CCrow
Friend to all mankind!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.