Dr. Clayton Forrester quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?

People vomit?

Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?

People vomit?

[offscreen, towards Frank while the button to end the experiment is broken] Frank, what are you doing?

I was just getting a- uh, piece of water.

A piece of water?

I mean a glass of- cake... I mean-

Come here. [drags Frank over to the button by the ear and forces him to hold the button down; the credits start only to cut back to Deep 13, with the two working on the computer board] Well that's it, Frank; we're licked.

Dr. Forrester, I've known you to be many things, but not a quitter. Are you going to give up? Live, damn it; LIVE!

Oh, I remember now; alt function seven. [presses an alternate button and the credits finally roll properly]

I've just about had enough [out] of you; smart boy.

[defiantly, pulling out a switch-knife] Oh yeah?! I'm gonna cut you, man. I'm gonna cut ya! I'll carve you a second smile, daddy-o!

I don't think so! [the argument starts devolving into conflicting screaming at each other]

Servo

[up on the Satellite] What in the sam scratch is goin' on down there?

Joel

I dunno, but I don't like it; not one bit.

Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!

Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…

You… hocked… my… Rolex.

Yah…

Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.

Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!

Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.

Heh heh. Oh, Henry! [N]

Tom Servo

(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio) Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! (breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)

Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man!

Joel

Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully.

Servo

(while still crying) I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!!

I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie?

Joel

Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man.

Servo

You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? (sobs uncontrollably)

Better you than me!

Joel

Oh, Crow, c'mon... (addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust) Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on!

(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank) You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it?

Joel

(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying) Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?!

(mockingly) Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie) Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now.

Joel

You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others. Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime!

You're sounding like a Hallmark card.

(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene) You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good.

(angrily) Frank!

Gotcha!

[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call Tragic Moments, panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog] Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point.

Others in the collection include He Raises a Hand in Anger, World's Deadest Grandma and Dad's Liquid Breakfast.

[as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval] You should be locked up for being that evil!

Wait; no! I'm the sum of my vices! I want to live! I want to live and love and laugh in life and live-

But this won't hurt a bit!

[completely changes his tune] ...Okay!

Here, Frank, drink this. [hands Frank a flask]

Thank you; what is it anyway?

An ipecac. [Frank starts spewing as he hits the button to end the experiment]

DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!

Joel

What do you think, sirs?

I'm a scientist; I don't think, I observe.

See me, feel me, touch me!

Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank.

Push the button, Frank.

I am the button. [Leaves]