Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 4
“Hercules and the Captive Women” · Season 4
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (19), Joel Robinson (17), Tom Servo (12), Gypsy (4), Ismene (4), Antinea (3), Hercules (2), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1)
[Gypsy makes a rare theater apperance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]
Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!
[trying to hide his amusement] Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.
[catching herself] Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...
[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]
Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
[impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one!
[the movie opens proper with a map of the Greek city of Thebes]
Bonanza!
And if that map burns, it'll be a Greece fire!
[during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others] Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do.
Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment!
[uneasy] That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them.
Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat-
That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. [Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots] She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of-
[shushes Joel] Watch the movie, Joel!
[recurring, as Timoteo] I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!!
[Frank demonstrates a hybrid lawnmower/baby pram and nearly jostles one of the babies in the Deep 13 daycare]
[horrified] Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin!
[Princess Ismene is introduced; delirious and shackled behind an enchanted section of wall rock]
[as Hercules] Say; are you a captive woman?
[wearily] Kill me...
[as Ismene] ...with kindness.
[as Hercules and shape-shifting Proteus fight, the latter god turns into a lion, growling]
Kitty!
Suddenly it's a MGM film.
[as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form] I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha!
[as Servo imitates the lizard yipping] Dino! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc!
Daryl Dragon.
[as Ismene] I love it when men and lizards fight over me!
[over a shot of Hercules laughing mirthfully]
Oh, it's Topol!
The smokers' tooth polish?
No; the hard to work with actor.
Oh.
[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]
[singing] The Simpsons...
[after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus] Oh omnipotent Zeus...
[as an answering machine] Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message...
...Hear my plea...
Not guilty by reason of insanity!
If Androcles is still alive-
[sung] In the year 3535...
Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father!
[as Zeus] I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon!
Today is dedicated to Uranus.
[as Hercules] Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh?
[Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces]
[as Hercules] You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my-
We know!
[Atlantean children in white robes are being led away by high priests]
Hey, it's Jim Henson's Ghandi Babies.
[voicing her protests from within the crowd] No, my only son, no! You can't take him!
[as Hercules and Ismene watch the crowd restrain her and force her to resume prayer] I hate hecklers.
[whispering] Conform; c'mon, conform.
These children are also dedicated to Uranus. They're being taken to the Mountain of the Dead.
[as Hercules] Oh, cool! Is that a Six Flags Mountain of the Dead?
When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
