Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 1
“The Black Scorpion” · Season 1
In this episode: Tom Servo (6), Joel Robinson (6), Crow T. Robot (5), Narrator (1), Dr. Clayton Forrester (1), Dr. Ernhardt (1)
[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]
… and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
… having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
And then tragedy struck -- we ran out of stock footage!
[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]
Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
[singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]
… I found something a lot more interesting!
Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Only mounted. [N]
[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]
But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First--
We're small. We can run fast.
Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait -- that's the scorpion's good point.
[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]
Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.
[Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]
What happened to you?
We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion Walkman and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened.
[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]
Are you alright, Clay?
[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat] Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science.
[much later after Joel reads audience letters]
I think the swelling is going down.
Yes; and I think you should file this. [hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more] Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner.
[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]
[as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop!
[as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia!
[adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609.
[as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos] It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
