[The character of Mike Nelson has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in Deep 13.]
Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker
You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?
“Mitchell” · Season 5
In this episode: Tom Servo (7), Crow T. Robot (6), Joel Robinson (4), Dr. Clayton Forrester (3), Mike Nelson (2), Hoyt (2), TV's Frank (1), Dr. Mitchell (1)
Well, here it comes, Joel -- Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcycle… marooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!
[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]
SAServo [as Isaac Hayes]
Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
JCJoel, Crow
Mitchell!
SAServo [as Hayes]
That Mitchell is one fat s--
JCJoel, Crow
Shut yo' mouth!
SAServo [as Hayes]
I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]
Ee-gah...
CCrow
Shtemlo.
Watch out for snakes!
SAServo [as Announcer]
We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...
CACrow [as Announcer]
Mitchell, will you stand up, please?
[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]
BBenton
No salesmen at this entrance.
SAServo [as Mitchell]
But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!
[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]
CCrow
Daryl Gates on his day off.
CACrow [as Golf Sportscaster]
He's landed just short of the green.
SAServo [as Other Golfers]
Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!
[A kid on skateboard skates up to Mitchell's car where he's sitting.]
KKid
Hi.
Hi.
KKid
Are you the man from the insurance?
Nope.
KKid
He came last night.
Yeah?
KKid
My mother doesn't like you.
I don't like your mother.
KKid
Why not?
Why not?
KKid
No, why not?
No, why not?
KKid
Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Tonight on Crossfire.
Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
KKid
I'm not.
Well, I'm not.
KKid
You are.
Buzz off.
KKid
What?
What?
KKid
What did you say?
What you say?
KKid
Did you say something?
[Frustrated] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You say something?
KKid
You said buzz off.
You're lying through your teeth.
KKid
You're lying through your teeth.
Buzz off, huh?
KKid
Buzz off!
Buzz off, kid!!
[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]
Baby oil!
JCJoel, Crow, Servo
BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
[vomiting noises]
CCrow
Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]
AAxton
My my my my Mitchell...
CCrow
My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!
DDeaney
How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
CACrow [as Mitchell]
Uh, by the quart.
[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]
HAHoyt Axton
[singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
CCrow
She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"
[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]
SAServo [as Mitchell]
Why did I do that?
[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]
JAJoel [as Mitchell]
Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!
[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]
[walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Yeah?
Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]
Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]
Can you guys sign my time card?
[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]
Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!
[As Dr. F puts his arm around an uncomfortable Mike, Frank turns to look at the camera, puzzled, as he pushes the button and the screen fades to black.]
Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?
Ehh...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.