[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]
CACrow [as Retik/Larry]
I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.
“The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy” · Season 1
In this episode: Joel Robinson (5), Tom Servo (4), Crow T. Robot (2), Dr. Clayton Forrester (2), Dr. Erhardt (2)
CCCommando Cody
Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
SAServo [as Retik]
It's an election year.
RRetik
Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
CCCommando Cody
Why do you want to invade the Earth?
RRetik
Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
JAJoel [as Cody]
Get a humidifier!
The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)
[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]
ADr. Almada
So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
JAJoel [as Dr. Almada]
The god of decaffeinated coffee.
ADr. Almada
They were discovered by the tribal priests.
[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]
SAServo [as Dr. Almada]
They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.
[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]
Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?
SAServo [as Xochi]
[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]
I've reached the end of my life
And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.
[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]
KDr. Krupp
Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
The Cosmo sex quiz?
[Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention]
[to Forrester] Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center again.
I only did that once! [Erhardt sternly clears his throat] OK, twice.
It was three times!
The third time I used the incendiaries, and it didn't make the building blow up, it just made it burn. Really... quickly.
[while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player] Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman!
Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. [shows record] Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... [scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound] Now open it.
They'll stay.
Close it. [shrill scratching sound continues]
They'll leave.
And so on and so forth.
[attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love] Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare!
EKEnoch, King of the Demon Dogs
[as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs] First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink Tranya.
CCrow
[snarkily] From a dish off the floor, boy?
[Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch]
Alright, they're gone!
Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"?
D'oh!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.