Bud Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Peg

I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Kelly

Appropriate for you, Bud.

Peg

And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Bud

Appropriate for you, Kel.

Al

That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.

Bud

You mean Grandpa Hook?

Al

Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!

Peg

It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

Al

One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Bud

Dad, you got a minute?

Al

For you, Bud? Nah.

Bud

I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?

Al

Mommy's second little joke on me?

Bud

The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.

Al

Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...

Bud

That's Grandmaster, you fool!

Al

Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street. [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] Yo, I'm broke!

Bud

The Grandmaster will not forget this.

Al

Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...

Bud

Repulsed by you?

Kelly

Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al

No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?

Kelly

Do you think he's crazy?

Bud

He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Bud

I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.

Kelly

Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Bud

Dad...

Al

Go away.

Bud

This isn't about money.

Al

Go away anyway.

Bud

Dad, will you stop and listen to me.

Al

All right, what?

Bud

Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday, the 30th. Can we? Please?

Al

Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Kelly

Hi Dad. How was Florida?

Al

Oh, you know, hot, muggy, kitschy. What I expected.

Bud

Did you bring anything back?

Al

Only thing I could think of. Say hello to our new houseguest, Mr. Byrnes.

Hey kids, I got a treat for each of you!

Al

Care to tell me who those men camping out on my front lawn are?

Kelly

Oh, that is just Anthrax, Daddy. They ate Mom's mystery pack so the Red Cross quarantined them to our house for six months.

Al

Swell. I can only imagine what ungodly music I will be made to bear for the next six months.

Hey, this really rocks!

Bud

Come on Mr. Darcy, you are just jealous that my dad is running this better than you did.

Jefferson

Yes, I admit that with your dad in control we are making more money in a week than I did in a month, but I am worried about the attention we are attracting. Most of all, I am worried about your father. Something has changed about him.

Al

People to rip off, I love it! Come on you little moneymakers, daddy needs a new pair of everything!

Kelly

I got invited to a party!

Bud

A party?

Kelly

You know when you line up your toy soldiers and put a cupcake in front of each of them? Kind of like that, only this is with real people, Bud!

Bud

Oh hearty har har. Who invited you?

Kelly

Must be a frat party. The return address says "Alpha".

Bud

Kel, this is not a fraternity. Alpha is an elite organization of people with IQs of a certain percentile. I got rejected from this!

Al

Hey Bud, Mom is sick. Get her an aspirin.

Bud

I am bushed.

Al

No pressure. Do it tomorrow.

Peg

We're in trouble. Daddy's watching Shenandoah.

Bud

No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart beats all odds to preserve his family.

Kelly

You know when they crank up the theme song, Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.

Peg

Can we just skip through the speech, Al, and get straight to the punishment that you will inflict upon us for being your family? What is it this time, honey? You gonna get out the horseshoe set? Boys against the girls bocce? (with dread in her voice): Oh, no, Al. Not the "Boo-Hoo with You-Know-Who At The Zoo".

Bud

At least I have a little intellectual curiosity. (to Kelly): And I wasn't the one pointing at the leopard yelling, "How many animals died for that coat?"

Kelly

Well, at least I didn't pull my pants down and moon the monkeys.

Bud

Well, at least I didn't turn her in.

Kelly

Well, at least I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom.

Kelly

That's sick! That's sick!

Al

I'm not going to tell you now, but I have a special surprise in mind.

Bud

You got a bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is My Feet"?

Kelly

You used your finger to make a really cool racing stripe in the dirt on the side of the car?

Peg

You got a new 8-track of "Hotel California"? We can crank it as we're towed down the freeway?

It is the St Paul's Cathedral.

Great.

There is Parliament.

Great.

Tower Bridge.

Great.

And the Trafalgar Square.

Great.

The Buckingham Palace.

Great.

Bud

Look! A McDonald's!

Al

Peg, quick! Get the camera!

Bud

I don't get it. I'm so cute. What am I even doing home? I know I've got the bod, got the arms, chest...and even I can't keep my hands off my butt.

Peg

You really should talk to Daddy.