Steve Rhoades quotes from Married... with Children

Steve

You know, Al, this is probably none of my business but there are advantages to having a working wife. For one thing, it gave us enough money to buy the house next to yours. No, wait, that's a disadvantage.

Steve

They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

Steve

You know what we say at the bank: when opportunity knocks, that's us foreclosing.

Steve

I happen to love my wife, Al. Oh, God. What am I going to tell Marcy? What am I going to tell Marcy? What if she leaves me? Who'll have me? A bald banker. Did you ever see a bald guy flirt? It's pathetic. What's my fate, Al? To stand in a singles bar with a sign that says "Please"?

Steve

[stands up, clears his throat and goes to the jurors] Hello, everyone! Anyhow, my wife and I and Peggy and Al Bundy went to the Hop-On Inn to indulge in a little clean marital fun. On separate occasions, of course. During the course of our wholesome bliss, our romantic activities, the reaffirmation of the love we share, and... whatever the Bundys were doing... our conjugal privacy was invaded. Yes, we were violated by video cameras! [Marcy hides her face behind her hand.] But first I think you should hear some background that I believe is germane to this case. My grandfather came to this country, poor man...

Steve

Then, in World War II, my uncle Nick wiped out more Nazi dogs with venereal disease...

Steve

Do you have any kids?

Al

Two.

Marcy

Where are they?

Al

I don't know.

Al

Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.

Steve

Ah... Thinnergy.

Al

Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?

Steve

Well yes, Al, she does.

Marcy

[about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?

Steve

Yes, dear.

Marcy

How do you know?

Steve

Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

Al

Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?

Steve

Well, Al...

Al

I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?

Steve

The French?

Al

I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.

Steve

I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.

Al

Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Steve

It's not just a car, honey -- it's a piece of history. A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.

Marcy

Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?

Steve

Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.

Al

You are the biggest -- by the way, do you have cable?

Steve

No.

Al

The biggest IDIOT I've ever met.

Al

I've gotta find a place where I can watch the fight so I can get out of this.

Steve

Al, I've got the answer to all your problems. Well, not all your problems, but this problem.

Steve

So Al, how's Peggy's new job working out?

Al

(sarcastic) Oh, great Steve. Yeah, she's pulling a clear $90 a week. Of course, she spent $400 a week. Yeah, she needed a new smock at Mulden's. Of course, she needed some new clothes and she wanted some new shoes.

Steve

Well, that's no problem. You sell shoes.

Al

No, she wanted good shoes. Well, I figured if she keeps working any longer, we'll be living in the gutter. But actually, I won't be living in the gutter. I'll be in prison for killing your wife!

Steve

Well, before you go down that long, lonesome road, Al. Why don't you try this? Ask Peggy to quit.

Al

No, I can't do that! Well, see the truth is, I like having her at home.

Steve

Well, she love to hear that.

Al

Yeah, I'm sure she would. But, I'm not going to tell her. Cause, I would have nothing to complain about and I like complaining. Nah, if I got her to quit, she'd lord it over me for the rest of my life. Yeah, she'd say "I wanted to work, but you want me home. Now I'm home, so shut up!". And that would be the end of all my fun in the marriage. Nah, I got to think of another way.

Steve

Ah, gee, Al, I don't like to butt into your business...

Al

No, go ahead. Pretend you're your wife.