Bud Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Peggy

Just wait till I remember one of your birthdays!

Kelly

Mine's in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Bud

And an empty one.

Kelly

Bud, what do you think? Would this make a great yearbook photo?

Bud

I don't know, Kel. (turns her around): If you really want people to remember you, you might want to try this (moves the picture frame below her neck, stopping at her breasts and midriff): Now, all we do is add some fingerprints, and voila: every man's memory.

Bud

The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.

Kelly

Until he goes to sleep.

Peg

So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.

Al

Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.

Peg

Oh good, Bud is back from the store. Did you get our gift for Grandma? Remember, it was one of those "larger women romance novels".

Bud

Yes, I remember. They were all sold out of The Pie Man Always Rings Twice, so I had to go with her second choice, The Red Fudge of Courage.

Al

Bud, how old are you?

Bud

Sixteen, Dad.

Peggy

Well, what'd he say, Al?

Al

Nothing I haven't said myself.

Al

There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!

Peg

Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?

Al

Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Bud

Dad, all my friends are driving.

Al

Well, if all your friends were getting married, would you do that too?

Bud

Fly.

Kelly

Tapeworm.

Bud

Oh, man! It feels like I died and went to Dad's happy corner in the basement.

Kelly

I beg of you, Pepe Le Pew. Keep your urges and your odor in check.

Peggy

Bud, was I a good mother?

Bud

Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

Bud

Hi, Dad.

Al

Hi, son. It's not the way it looks, I was just crying on the floor.

Peggy

Al, must we be the spitbucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need professional help. So why don't you call the oldies station - K-FOSSIL - and ask the D.J.?

Al

I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.

Bud

Gee, Rick Cool huh? Did Bobby 23 Skidoo quit?

Peggy

Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.

Al

He said, "The colors. The colors. Has anyone seen my good friend, John," then he lit up a banana and hung up.

Al

Bud, Bud, come here. Now, listen to this very carefully and tell me the name of the song... "Mmm Mmm him".

Bud

I don't know what it is Dad, but if you get the name, me and the gang would sure like to boogie to it!

Al

Get out of my way. (Al pushes Bud aside and sits between Peg and Kelly) Peg, Peg, you're old, you know it... "Mmm Mmm him".

Peggy

Clip your nose hairs, Al. When you were humming it looked like a squid was trying to reach out and grab the kids.

Bud

Dad, I won a contest! I get to fly to the District of Columbia where I will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States!

Al

My boy going to meet the President! What a concept. Son, bring me back some of that presidential toilet paper. I bet that stuff is the best. Oh, and you know that woman he is always with...what's her name, Mrs. President? She seems like a nice lady. Get her to make a home-cooked meal for you to take back for me.

Bud

Uh, sure Dad. I will remember. All I need is $100 to cover taxes and travel expenses.

Al

$100?! Why for that kind of money we could get the President to come here!

Bud

I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.

Kelly

Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Bud

Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?

Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.

Golly, that felt good.