Jefferson D'Arcy quotes from Married... with Children

Jefferson

I am actually looking forward to this. Our babies will grow up together, we will be on hand to raise them. In due time we will send them off to college. By that time I will be 50 and you will be 118!

Jefferson

Like all other religions, we have a sacred obligation to make a lot of money and open our own theme park.

Jefferson

Mark my words, Al. As soon as I can sit down and think of something, you will pay.

Jefferson

I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.

Kelly

Bye, Daddy.

Peg

No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.

Marcy

Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.

Marcy

"Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?

Al

No.

Jefferson

"Go Tell Pharaoh"?

Al

No! This is a song from my youth.

Peg

"Look, It's a Wheel"?

Jefferson

Drop dead!

Peg

Lick feet!

Marcy

Eat dirt!

Al

Grow hair!

Jefferson

I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?

Al

Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Al

Hey pal, you want to hear about a real jackass? See, I have this neighbor, Jefferson, who is a real doormat to his wife. Why just the other day he...

Al

AUGH! Oh, I mean there are so many guys named Jefferson...

Jefferson

No worries Al, I am leaving Marcy.

Al

Really?? How come?

Jefferson

It was the baby convention that did it. All those swollen bellies and screaming infants proved too much for me.

Beer! Candy! Forged backgrounds!

Al

How much would it be to get a background of a retired NFL player?

$200.

Al

Rats, too expensive! What can I get for $1?

The background of a shoe salesman from Illinois.

Al

Just give me some gum. Waitress departs I do not need a forged background; I can invent my own. My new name will be...Al unwraps gum...Bazooka Joe!

Jefferson

Good one. I can reinvent myself as...Jefferson looks at beer can...Anheuser Busch!

Al

Ah, must be that new wife I ordered from Ukraine.

Jefferson

Marcy and I had a fight and she threw me out. Can I stay here?

Al

When I built my own room; I meant it for me.

Jefferson

Please, Al?

Al

All right, one night. But tell no one.

Jefferson

Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter hustle p...

Al

Say goodnight, Super Fly.

Kelly

[comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?

Al

Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

Al

I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.

Jefferson

That's Fidel Castro.

Steve

He's your husband?! Were you soo depressed that you married this? Whoa, the desperation.

Jefferson

This is the mighty Steve?! The one you used to throw in my face. The one who wasn't much too look at but at least he had a job.

Steve

[offended] Oh you gigolos make me sick. You thik just because a man divorces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back! So you can pack up your hair and profile and find some another heartbroken, discarded middle-aged woman to marry. And leave us decent folk to our happy home.

Jefferson

Pardon me, Yogi. You're not wanted here anymore. Marcy's got a real man now.

Al

Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?

Jefferson

Why? You're paying off the house?

Bud

Come on Mr. Darcy, you are just jealous that my dad is running this better than you did.

Jefferson

Yes, I admit that with your dad in control we are making more money in a week than I did in a month, but I am worried about the attention we are attracting. Most of all, I am worried about your father. Something has changed about him.

Al

People to rip off, I love it! Come on you little moneymakers, daddy needs a new pair of everything!