Bud Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Kelly

[on Seven] He's not even a real Bundy.

Bud

He's no kind of Bundy! Bundy's a name you earn. Our emotional scars run so deep you can almost see them.

Al

Yep, it's a point of pride. Ever since the day the first Bundy stepped off the Mayflower... halfway over. They never found him, but they recorded his final words: "Methinks we're here!" Pioneers like that, and ourselves, we're the real Bundys. Why, that kid never had to hear any kind of real rejection. Not until he's heard, "the service entrance is in back!"

Bud

Or, "not even for fifty bucks."

Kelly

Yeah, or "don't ruin it by talking."

Kelly

Did something die in here?

Bud

That would be me. It's my new cologne. My own secret little recipe. I call it "A Touch of Bud."

Kelly

Yeah, well, if anyone knew what a touch of Bud was, it could only be you.

Bud

And nobody does it better.

Bud

Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.

Al

Not secret enough, son.

Bud

Hooters?

Al

Playboys?

Bud

Playboys.

Al

Hooters.

YES! YES! YES!

Kelly

What time is it?

Bud

12:15.

Kelly

A.M. or B.M?

Kelly

You know, has it ever occurred to them it would make far better sense to call it P.M. as in postmeridian? There are times I feel I am alone in this world that doesn't make sense.

Peg

Now Mr. Grover over here, he doesn't believe in Halloween. So I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.

Bud

Well, how come?

Peg

He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.

Bud

And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.

Peg

Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.

Peg

Well I guess so.

Peg

Well Mr. Grumpy's home.

Al

(in a trench coat) Just one word of warning: Anyone who says what's up, goes down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it and it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

Peg

Then again, I've been asking for years.

Al

Is that you son?

Bud

Yeah dad. What's up?

Al

(decks Bud) Any other questions?

Kelly

Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tommorrow. Is there any way I talk you into taking full balme for this?

Bud

Sure. You can find me a woman who wont say no.

Kelly

So there's no way then.

Kelly

Well this is just as much your fault. If you had of doubted me like you always do this never would have happened.

Bud

Nice try Pyronymph!

Bud

I didn't have anything to do with this, I was out with a girl.

Kelly

And do you really think thier going to believe that?

Bud

I am sure Mom is having a good time so she will not suspect anything amiss.

Kelly

Hello?

Peg

Is my couch OK?

Kelly

Oh, hi Mom.

Peg

I sense something is wrong.

Kelly

Well, you know Bud could have broken his arm or I could have been kidnapped.

Peg

I don't care about that you zagnut! Is my couch OK?

Kelly

Um, yeah, why do you ask?

Peg

When my bottom got red hot I knew I had to call home.

Hi, I'm the building code inspector. Are you the one that called?

Al

I am. (blinks, then points): Aren't you...

No! Don't even ask. I'm not him. I've never been him. I can't even stand the little creep. (as he walks in the Bundy house): Now, I understand you wanted to report an illegal driveway.

Al

Yes, I did, Inspector. (points outside): That one right out there. If you look carefully, you can see that it's built nowhere near code. I know, because I built it myself out of ground-up women's shoes. How much is the fine?

Al

I see, and what if I said I built it that way just to make you look like an idiot?

Bud

And what if we called you a moron to boot?

Kelly

Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rnt Strokes?

No, I am not.

Kelly

Good. I hated that show.

Al

Don't give it to me. It's not my driveway. It belongs to those people right next door, but they might not let you in, because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.

Bud

Where are you going?

Peg

We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.

Kelly

Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.

Al

Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.

Bud

But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.

Al

Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.

Al

Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.

Bud

Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."

Al

And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!