Peggy Bundy quotes from Married... with Children

Peggy

Marcy, I only want your happiness, preferably at your own house. Because you see, now I have healthy kids, a happy husband, and it has just got to stop.

Peggy

Aw, Bonnie Malone. See, Kelly? Here's what you should never do in a yearbook photo: pose with your baby.

Kelly

Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!

Bud

Die, commie bimbo!

Peggy

Now, Bud! I thought we talked about this before.

Bud

What's that, Mom?

Peggy

You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. You remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it; nobody thinks it's funny, so cut it out, okay?

Bud

Sure, Mom.

Peggy

Now, go to school.

Kelly

[to Bud as they walk out] I *hate* you!

Bud

Good!

Al

Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know, to eat, just me and you.

Peggy

Well, sure, if you want to.

Al

We haven't been to The Captain's Table in a long time.

Peggy

Oooo, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.

Al

Yeah. [long pause] You wanna go upstairs?

Peggy

Thought you wanted to watch the game.

Al

Naah! Who cares! [as they head up the stairs] You know, I like the coffee there too.

Peggy

Mmm.

Peggy

Al, don't you think those girls are a little skinny? Shouldn't a woman have some meat on her bones? You have to have something to grab onto.

Al

I don't know, Peg. A lot of guys have been grabbing that one, and nobody's missed yet.

Peggy

Gee, an exercise room would be great. Then we wouldn't have to wait in line to use their equipment, and be laughed at by women with good bodies. Chocolate Sauce?

Marcy

Okay. I don't know Peggy. Steve and I wanted a room we could both use.

Peggy

Oh Steve has his own room. He has the kitchen!

Peggy

I'm getting an exercise room.

Al

Not a chance!

Peggy

Look, Marcy is on my side! She makes the money, she has the power!

Al

Oh yeah? I make the money and I have no power.

Peggy

So where's my anniversary gift?

Al

Oh, um, it's out in the car. I'll get it. [goes out to the garage, tries to start the car and comes back inside] Happy anniversary.

Peggy

A can of motor oil?

Al

40 weight, and a road flare. Bless our happy home.

Peggy

Al, Honey, you promised this year we could take a real vacation. Y'know, someplace where we don't look out our windows and see chain gangs working.

Al

C'mon, Peg. We still sing those songs we learned down there. But this year I found something really special. Look at this brochure, Peg. This place has everything Hawaii has. It's got sunshine, a palm tree, uh, quicksand... But the best part is it's in the United States.

Kelly

So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad. Or am I spoiling next year's vacation?

Steve

So, where you headed?

Peggy

Well, what's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?

Marcy

Greece.

Peggy

That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.

Al

I can't believe it. Everybody in the world is making money.

Peggy

Oh, honey that's not true. You're not.

Al

[examining the bill] Let’s see what else we have here. Sports hotline, sports hotline, sports hotline, those are ok. Wait a second, wait. Vancouver $80. Kelly?

Kelly

Oh, sure, all eyes turn to me. Well, let me ask you this. If I did know somebody in Vancouver, don’t you think I’d be living with them and not here?

Al

True enough. Bud?

Bud

America First, Dad.

Al

[starts to get up] How 'bout it, Peg? Your mother gotten so fat she's spread across the border?

Peggy

Al, I did not call Vancouver. And Mom is down to nearly 200.

Peggy

Al, did you have to come home?

Al

Well, the summer place is all closed up, the yacht's in dry-dock, so I thought: what the hell, let's spend the night at the ghetto home!

Al

Well, that takes care of that. The traps are set, and that mouse has seconds to live. So as usual, it proves that Daddy's life is dirt, and he's defeated the enemy.

Bud

Don't be too sure, Dad. It says right here mice are pretty intelligent.

Al

Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.

Al

Mine's at least twice that size.

Peggy

Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.

Al

Why are you so afraid of a little mouse anyway?

Peggy

Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother and I kept it in my room. I slept with it, and snuggled it, and kissed it. Then one day it got sick.

Al

And still you go on kissing others.

Peggy

Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher, and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?". She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up. And then all the kids threw up. And then they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face / Worms in your hair / Where's the little mouse girl? / There, there, there". (She points)

Peggy

(hurt) Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.

Al

Well kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she has cooties.