Married... with Children quotes

Al

Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.

Hey you. Get my shoes.

Al

Yes, Ma'am.

Al

I'm gonna hate these people.

Peg

You will not hate them. They are very nice.

Al

If they were nice, they'd be dead and I'd be at the game.

I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a seven since I graduated from high school.

Al

[picks up a size 7 shoe) These are sevens. The box says 9 because... well look lady, youre a nine. I can accept that, why can't you.

You're very FRESH?!

Al

No ma'am, that's impossible. Because for the last hour I've been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe, when I should've beeen easing them in the box. So what I'm saying is I'm anything but fresh. By the way, you might want to tell John Henry to give the $100 pumps a rest.

Your ad says "courteous service".

Al

That's not my ad, ma'am. That's the former owner's. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size 9 exploded in his face.

Come on, Arnold. We're leaving.

I want a balloon.

Al

You already got one.

Kelly

Let go of my hair, you little psychopath!

Bud

Die, commie bimbo!

Peggy

Now, Bud! I thought we talked about this before.

Bud

What's that, Mom?

Peggy

You know, sneaking up behind your sister, pulling her hair, pretending to kill her. You remember the effect it had on Grandma? Nobody likes it; nobody thinks it's funny, so cut it out, okay?

Bud

Sure, Mom.

Peggy

Now, go to school.

Kelly

[to Bud as they walk out] I *hate* you!

Bud

Good!

Marcy

Hi, we're your new neighbors. You have a lovely home.

Al

Yeah, so do you. Come in.

Steve

Do you have any kids?

Al

Two.

Marcy

Where are they?

Al

I don't know.

Al

Hey, let's go out Saturday night. You know, to eat, just me and you.

Peggy

Well, sure, if you want to.

Al

We haven't been to The Captain's Table in a long time.

Peggy

Oooo, we always like it there. They have such a nice menu.

Al

Yeah. [long pause] You wanna go upstairs?

Peggy

Thought you wanted to watch the game.

Al

Naah! Who cares! [as they head up the stairs] You know, I like the coffee there too.

Peggy

Mmm.

Al

Oh honey, that again. Come here a second, will ya? Let me tell you something. Now just 'cause I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't love ya. I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful -- like that girl on TV -- I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

Al

Your wife gave my wife a book, now my life is hell.

Steve

Ah... Thinnergy.

Al

Yeah, that's the one. Does Marcy hate me that much?

Steve

Well yes, Al, she does.

Peggy

Al, don't you think those girls are a little skinny? Shouldn't a woman have some meat on her bones? You have to have something to grab onto.

Al

I don't know, Peg. A lot of guys have been grabbing that one, and nobody's missed yet.

Marcy

Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.

Bud

Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Marcy

[about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?

Steve

Yes, dear.

Marcy

How do you know?

Steve

Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias.

Al

Oh, sure, our rights are not important? Anything a woman says is fine with us? Gee, when did men become such losers? It used to be so great to be a man. Women were there to please us. They'd look after the kids and we'd go out and have a good time. That's the natural order of things. What happened, Steve?

Steve

Well, Al...

Al

I'll tell you what happened, Steve. Somebody told women they should start enjoying sex, too. That was the beginning of the end. Now they like it, but it's work for us. Everything's work for us. It's this equality thing, it's killing us. You know who I blame?

Steve

The French?

Al

I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.

Steve

I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.

Al

Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Peggy

Gee, an exercise room would be great. Then we wouldn't have to wait in line to use their equipment, and be laughed at by women with good bodies. Chocolate Sauce?

Marcy

Okay. I don't know Peggy. Steve and I wanted a room we could both use.

Peggy

Oh Steve has his own room. He has the kitchen!