Reese quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

I'm really adopted, aren't I?

Lois

No, you're ours, and we love you.

Reese

Damn!

Malcolm

They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.

Reese

So where's the real letter?

Malcolm

I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.

Dewey

And I hid it under Mom's pillow.

Malcolm

You WHAT?!

Lois

I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I am going to kill him!

Reese

OOOOOOHH, this is all a dream.

Lois

Oh, shut up, Reese!

Lois

I'm too mad to be sick. You know he's finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona?

Lois

He thinks Military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... wait... wait... wait...

Lois

Do you think we're wealthy?! Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things?! NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What is wrong with you two?! Are you aborigines?! Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me....

Lois

Don't you dare!

Arms and legs crossed at all times.

Reese

That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.

Malcolm

Yeah.

Reese

You're gonna die.

Malcolm

I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?

Dewey

Live, live, die! [Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away] Live, live, live, live, die! [Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters]

Hal

Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?

Dewey

I had them lined up and shot.

Hal

You know son, maybe you've been spending too much...

Dewey

Silence! Seize him! [Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings]

Hal

All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. [Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off]

Dewey

Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men!

Lois

Hal! Why is this still here! [Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror] Ow.

Reese

No fair! You did it without me!

Malcolm

What are you doing with toilet paper?

Reese

I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the "specially seasoned" meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.

Malcolm

You know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.

Reese

This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!

Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...

Reese

You son of a...

Malcolm

Look, there's nothing you can do!

Reese

Yes, there is! I can... I can...

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Malcolm

Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

Malcolm

What's the point of being out here?

Reese

So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.

GO AWAY! There is no ice cream in the truck!

He's lying! There's tons of ice cream in there!

The ice cream in the truck is NOT for sale! It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!

Reese

This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! PURE EVIL!

Well... If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly.

Reese

You son of a!

Malcolm

Look, there's nothing you can do!

Reese

Yes, there is! I can... I can...

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Malcolm

Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

I'm Jessica, gray Volvo.

Malcolm

Malcolm, crappy minivan.

Malcolm

When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?

Reese

I think before Dewey.

Malcolm

It's all you, man.

Malcolm

[aside] This is a game that has no winners.

Francis

Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.

Reese

Yeah' it is. It's the 31st.

Francis

No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!

Reese

No, look! It is the 31st!

Francis

Boys, the time has come. You're about to see the device that will change the face of Halloween forever. Behold... [empties his bag of supplies]

Dewey

That's not a flying chocolate maker.

Reese

This is just a bunch of tubes.

Francis

Trust me.

Reese

I do trust you, but...I expected something a little more...

Malcolm

[reading the design plans] Oh my God. Will this work?

Francis

Absolutely.

Reese

What? What is it?

Malcolm

It looks like an incredibly powerful slingshot!

Francis

A slingshot capable of hurling objects over a distance of two-city-blocks. Picture yourself. You're walking down the street, you're minding your own business, when all of a sudden, BAM! You're hit by a ten-pound balloon filled with shaving cream, paint, or any number of foul-smelling liquids. [Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey get excited] And you'll never, ever know who did it.

Malcolm

It's the perfect weapon!

Reese

I'm lost. (Francis punches Reese) OW!

Francis

That's how Mom feels... on the inside.

Kitty

Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!

Reese

He bruised the bone.

Lois

Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.

Kitty

Shut your trap!

Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?

Kitty

Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!

Kitty

(to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?

Lois

Honey, you have to pace yourself.

Kitty

(to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!

Malcolm

That's not good, cougars don't just blow up!

Reese

As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.

Malcolm

Reese! That's insane!

Reese

I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.