Malcolm in the Middle quotes

227 total quotes

All Seasons
 Season 1   Season 2  

(After being caught joyriding by Lois, all the Krelboynes leave except for Malcolm & Stevie)
Malcolm: Need some help, Stevie?
Stevie: Pop... the trunk.

(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)
Amaani: You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
Francis: Oh.
Amaani: Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

(As Mrs. Griffin starts complaining about other types of people)
Malcolm: (to the camera) I can't believe how horrible she is. I'm just gonna ignore her. (turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffin's robe open; Malcolm is shocked)

(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)
Barbara: Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!
Tom: I'll refill your drink.
Barbara: Okay.

(Dewey walks up to the police car)
Lois: Dewey, it's going to okay. Mommy is...
Dewey: Can you turn on the siren?
Cop: Sure. (turns it on)
Dewey: Yeah! [imitates siren]

(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)
Hal: It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!

(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)
Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.
(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)
Craig: You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!
(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)
Robber #1: Cool.
(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)
Lois: My God! Craig, are you alright?
Craig: I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.

(Malcolm enters the front door panting)
Lois: What's wrong?
Malcolm: Some crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.
Lois: Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)
Malcolm: Mom, please don't.
(Lois sees Cynthia through the peephole and opens the door)
Cynthia: Hi!

(Malcolm is having lunch on a table)
Cynthia: Hey, Malcolm.
Malcolm: I want to sit alone. (Cynthia sits down next to him) Yeah, hi.
Cynthia: So, I signed us up as lab partners.
Malcolm: You know, you're always near me. Wouldn't it be okay if you branched out a little?
Cynthia: I thought it seemed so cool that we have a thing together.
Malcolm (to the camera): Thing?

Abe: Sorry we're late, some jackass parked in the handicapped spot.
Hal (nervous and embarrassed): Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.

Abe: [Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
Hal: How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
Abe: Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
Hal: Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
Abe: Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)
Hal: You go, Abe!

Boy [to Lois]: Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?
Lois: (inside a batting cage) I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.

Bully 1: Are you calling me a liar?
[Dewey hits the first bully with the purse. The second one is hit as well. The other two dodges it and then the four are sent running. Soon Reese is impressed when Dewey reveals the brick and tosses it on the ground.]
Reese: Nice.

Cadet Finley: I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!
Cadet Drew: Yeah.
Cadet Finley: Who are you?
Cadet Drew: I'm your roomate.

Cadets: Sir!
Commandant Spangler: Cadets.
Francis: What's up, chief?
[Spangler punishes Francis by forcing him to stand outside and hold a rucksack full of rations and a sleeping bag.]