Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

[answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]

Hal

All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.

Hal

[being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...

Hal

It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!

Hal

Reese, an old woman's purse is a little boy's book bag... if he's European.

Hal

Look out! Paint-a-lanche!!

Hal

We need a fridge. We can't store the meat on the porch forever.

Hal

Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? God, that was hilarious. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister come to a four-way stop...

Hal

Not on my watch, son.

Hal

We can hurt him... we can be parents again!

Hal

We didn't go on vacation!

Hal

Look, Lois will pay for these tomorrow when she comes in.

Hal

Fine, then I'm shoplifting, What are you going to do about it?!

Hal

The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I let myself get beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.

Hal

Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.