Stevie Kenarban quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Stevie

Dear... penthouse...

Malcolm

Yesterday, I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs.

Stevie

Point... taken.

Malcolm

I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.

Stevie

And yet...you keep...talking.

Caroline

Oh, come on. We've studied this. There is nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.

Dabney

Who's the father?

Stevie

Does he... work here?

Caroline

All right, you know. I told you we are not playing this game again!!

Malcolm

Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny?

To be honest, you can be a little caustic.

Stevie

The word... is arrogant.

Dabney

How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? (Lloyd and Stevie stare at him) (points somewhere) Hey, she's cute.

Malcolm

Need some help, Stevie?

Stevie

Pop... the trunk.

Hey, check out the newbie.

Stevie

Fresh... meat.

Dabney

[to Malcolm] You no longer have to live in fear.

Malcolm

What are you talking about?

Dabney

The hazing we put you through is over.

Malcolm

What hazing?

Oh, come on! When we gave you the warped lunchtray. When we dulled the points on your pencils. When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you."

Dabney

I still feel bad about that.

Stevie

What...a jerk!

Is that what we're going to turn out like? If I ever start acting like that, you have to promise to kill me!

Dabney

No! No more death pacts!

Stevie

You have to stop this?

Malcolm

Stupid game This is ridiculous!, Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. My mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels and my dad used all his money to fund a search for extra-terrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me!

Stevie

Dewey just became Pope.

Malcolm

And I weigh 500 pounds. Thats it I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter, get knife, kill them. No! Don't make yourself a sandwich! Kill! Kill! No, not yourself! Don't kill. Don't kill.

Malcolm

Oh man, we're lost!

Dewey

What?! No!

Reese

[feigning panic] Oh man! What are we gonna do?! [to Malcolm, smugly] Nice! We got him crying, the pansy!

Malcolm

No, we really are lost!

Reese

[truly panicked] What?! What are we gonna do?!

Dewey

I knew it! I knew you were gonna find some way to ruin this for me! Even when you're trying to be nice, you make me miserable! And now I get to die in the sewer! A perfect end to a crappy life!

Malcolm

Shut up, Dewey!

Reese

All right, let's focus on finding a way out of here. Stevie's mom must be worried about him--

Stevie

Shut up... about... my mom!

Reese

What? I simply made a comment.

Stevie

You're... a perv!

Reese

I can't help it if have a healthy interest in the opposite sex.

Stevie

Well... they don't... return... the favor!

Reese

What does that mean?

Stevie

Girls... hate you.

Reese

That's not true!

Malcolm

Yes, it is. Come on, Reese, you're a joke.

Dewey

Yeah, even I know it.

Stevie

What'd you get... for problem... 17?

Malcolm

I drew a tank.

Stevie

What's wrong... with you? For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.

Malcolm

No for two days, I've been like someone who's happy and relaxed.

Stevie

You're turning... into Reese.

[through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?

Stevie Kenarban

You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.

Malcolm

What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?

Right now. With us. In that.

Reese

[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!

[later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.

Malcolm

You want to make them jealous?

No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.

Malcolm

You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?

Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.

Stevie

Thanks, Malcolm, that is what I really needed to hear.

Malcolm

Oh, good.

Stevie

[about the computer] This thing sucks at sarcasm.

Malcolm

This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write our ticket to any college in the country.

Stevie

Then everyone... will pay.

Malcolm

Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated.

Reese

Maybe I can help.

Malcolm

That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.