“Traffic Jam” quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!

Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...

Reese

You son of a...

Malcolm

Look, there's nothing you can do!

Reese

Yes, there is! I can... I can...

And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Malcolm

Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!

Malcolm

[first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.

Hal

[talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.

Lois

Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.

Malcolm

Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.

Dewey

What time is it?

It's still 4:00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.

Dewey

What time is it in China?

Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...

Dewey

Do you speak Chinese?

Well, no...I bet...

Dewey

Is Chinatown in China?

Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...

Dewey

(plays with his feet) What does this toe do?

You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.

Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.

Dewey

I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Lois

Who's damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHO'S DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! (tries to open the truck door but is locked) Trapped inside, and all the window's rolled and it's 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! (no one responds) Okay! Okay! It's nobody's damn dog. So, I guess nobody's gonna mind... (picks up a rock) ... if I just do this. (smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog) Oh, don't be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be... (dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois' face turns to fear as she takes off)

Lois

OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!

That's right.

Lois

And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!

That's right.

Lois

THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

Malcolm

What's the point of being out here?

Reese

So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.

Hal

Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? (slams on the brakes while the car behind him honks)

Lois

Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!

Hal

All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.

Lois

MALCOLM!! REESE!!! MOVE!!!!!

Lois

Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?

Dewey

She's ran away.

Lois

You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.

Hal

[being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...

Francis

Ok let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!