Eric Hanson quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Eric

(seeing Francis' notes, which is a little sheet of paper) That's your half? (picks up a book) THIS IS MY HALF!!!!

Eric

Hold him down! You, shave his butt!

Francis

Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...[lowers voice] birthday!

Lois

Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.

Francis

But Mom-!

Lois

Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.

Francis

Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...[lowers voice] birthday! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!

Lois

I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!

Francis

What stories?!

Lois

Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?

Francis

Which were never caught!

Francis

The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!

Eric

What about the TV?

Francis

Huh?

I may be fat, stupid, color blind, and dyslexic, but at least I don't have three nipples.

Eric

Shut your trap, that's a mole. (to Pete) And you, your family changed their name so you couldn't track them down, no one will miss you.

I'm pretty sure it starts with an O.

Francis

All three of you are useless, pea-brained idiots. And for your information, I do suffer more than everybody else (eric makes a face) this is ridiculous let's just vote on it.

Eric

Who Votes for Francis? (everyone except Francis raises their hand)

Francis

Who Votes for Eric? (everyone except Eric raises their hand) Artie? (everyone raises their hands again) Pete? (everyone raises their hand) Four votes, the hut is spoken.

No, you tricked me. no, no---- (eric and artie drag pete out the cabin door as francis watches in disgust) he'll reject me, i've tried me, i taste awful (cackling)

Francis

All right, that's the worst thing any of us has ever done. I'm not proud of it but i really don't think we had a choice.

Eric

Like i care about your opinion on anything.

Francis

Wait a minute. Why do we hear eating?

Eric

(truck engine starts) He Got To The Truck!

Pete! Pete! Pete!

See ya back-stabbing sons of bitches in hell!

[playing Lois and singing] Are you coming back to bed? Or should I just order a crib for you.

Hanson

[playing Hal and singing] I'm not coming back. I don't like to be where I'm not wanted, especially if it's on a big, giant bed.

: [after Chad bites his finger]: Ow! Now it's a matter for the police

Hanson

Excuse me, Mr. Flerch?