Commandant Edwin Spangler quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Spangler

Hello!

Lois

Who are you?

Spangler

Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.

Lois

Good for you. Where's your eye?

Spangler

Pardon?

Lois

Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.

Spangler

Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.

Lois

Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.

Spangler

Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...

Lois

Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?

Spangler

[walking away] God, she is magnificent.

Francis

(knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?

Spangler

Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.

Francis

I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.

Spangler

Go away!

Spangler

Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!

Francis

What are we gonna do, sir?

Spangler

We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.

But they're destroying the school.

Spangler

Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.

Francis

Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.

Sir!

Commandant Spangler

Cadets.

Francis

What's up, chief?

Francis

Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.

Hal

Francis!

Commandant Spangler

On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.

Francis

He was hugging his dad!

Commandant Spangler

In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.

Hal

And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.

Commandant Spangler

Every time.

Hal

Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.

Commandant Spangler

That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.

Hal

I understand.

Commandant Spangler

(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.

Spangler

You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft. I can see paste come up from the top of the popsicle stick.

I'm sorry, I have Arthritis.

Spangler

That's it. You have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.