Dewey quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Dewey

We're sorry we left the couch on the railroad tracks and wrecked the train.

Dewey

I don't like ghosts. They eat little boys.

Dewey

I can't handle Malcolm and Reese anymore. I need a good big brother before it's too late. I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder.

Dewey

There is a certain pleasure secretly controlling someone dumber than you.

Dewey

[on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady... Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg... He was pretty hammered... Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what instead of the usual place, why not send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

Dewey

What?

Lois

Fire? Fire? Fire?

Malcolm

Mom, what?

Lois

This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?

Reese

Malcolm did it!

Malcolm

Reese did it!

Reese

I didn't do it!

Malcolm

I didn't do it!

Dewey

We're going to the dentist?

Lois

[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.

Malcolm

Mom, honestly, I don't know.

Reese

[different time] I don't know.

Dewey

[different time] Don't know.

Lois

Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.

Dewey

He's...in the bathroom.

Lois

Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.

Dewey

He's...in the bathroom.

Lois

They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?

Dewey

I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

Dewey

Mom, can I have a story?

Lois

Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.

Dewey

An evil circus?

Lois

No, a nice one with monkeys.

Dewey

Thank you.

Reese

Hey, what am I thinking right now?

Malcolm

I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.

Dewey

Can you understand what dogs are saying?

Malcolm

No.

Dewey

I can.

Malcolm

[about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey

Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois

That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese

Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Reese

What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Dewey

[hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!

Reese

What are you doing?

Dewey

[continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!

Reese

Cut it out!

Dewey

Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Reese

Knock it off, you little...

Lois

[from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!

Reese

I didn't do anything!

Lois

No!

Reese

He was lying!

Malcolm

[to the camera] I gave him that.

Lois

Who's this?

Reese

How should I know?

Lois

Hal?

Hal

Beats me.

Lois

Dewey, is this a friend of yours?

Dewey

Uh-huh.

Lois

Who is he?

Dewey

I dunno.

Hal

What's your name, son?

[Whispering] Egg.

Did he say Greg?

Lois

I thought he said Craig.

Dewey

His name is Egg.

Hal

Egg?

Dewey

I named him.

Lois

Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?

Dewey

Okay.

Lois

Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?

Dewey

Present?

Lois

Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!

Hal

I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

Malcolm

[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

Hal

You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.

Dewey

Mighty Man?!

Lois

I can't believe you.

Hal

This is a whole new low, Reese.

Reese

[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

Lois

[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.

Reese

You did!

Lois

Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

Hal

Alright, everyone into the car as-is! We're gonna have to drive creatively but we might make the end! Let's go! Chop-chop! Here we go!

Hal

Egg! Come on!