Reese quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Reese

Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.

Lois

Fire? Fire? Fire?

Malcolm

Mom, what?

Lois

This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?

Reese

Malcolm did it!

Malcolm

Reese did it!

Reese

I didn't do it!

Malcolm

I didn't do it!

Dewey

We're going to the dentist?

Lois

[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.

Malcolm

Mom, honestly, I don't know.

Reese

[different time] I don't know.

Dewey

[different time] Don't know.

Reese

It's never been this clean before.

Malcolm

Uh-oh. It's too clean.

Francis

You're right. She'll never buy it.

Lois

All right, I've had it! You two are banned from Nintendo.

Reese

OK! We're already banned from Nintendo.

Malcolm

[to audience] The sad thing is, he thinks he's outsmarted her.

Reese

Hey, what am I thinking right now?

Malcolm

I'm smart, I'm not a psychic.

Dewey

Can you understand what dogs are saying?

Malcolm

No.

Dewey

I can.

Malcolm

[about Malcolm's class picnic] There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.

Dewey

Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Lois

That's right. She has two daddies.

Reese

Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Hal

Oh, hello, boys. How long are you in for?

Reese

Another hour.

Hal

Yeaow.

Reese

What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Dewey

[hits himself] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!

Reese

What are you doing?

Dewey

[continues hitting himself] Ow! Help! Ow! Mom, help!

Reese

Cut it out!

Dewey

Ow! Ow! It hurts! Ow!

Reese

Knock it off, you little...

Lois

[from the other room] REESE!! [approaches them] What the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave him alone for 5 minutes without picking on him!

Reese

I didn't do anything!

Lois

No!

Reese

He was lying!

Malcolm

[to the camera] I gave him that.

Lois

Who's this?

Reese

How should I know?

Lois

Hal?

Hal

Beats me.

Lois

Dewey, is this a friend of yours?

Dewey

Uh-huh.

Lois

Who is he?

Dewey

I dunno.

Hal

What's your name, son?

[Whispering] Egg.

Did he say Greg?

Lois

I thought he said Craig.

Dewey

His name is Egg.

Hal

Egg?

Dewey

I named him.

Lois

Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?

Dewey

Okay.

Lois

Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?

Dewey

Present?

Lois

Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!

Hal

I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

Malcolm

[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

Hal

You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.

Dewey

Mighty Man?!

Lois

I can't believe you.

Hal

This is a whole new low, Reese.

Reese

[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

Lois

[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.

Reese

You did!

Lois

Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!

Hal

Alright, everyone into the car as-is! We're gonna have to drive creatively but we might make the end! Let's go! Chop-chop! Here we go!

Hal

Egg! Come on!

Malcolm

Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.

Reese

Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.

Malcolm

You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.

Reese

There's six steps?

Malcolm

Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.

Reese

You remember that by just watching?

Malcolm

You guys did it like ten times!

Reese

So, you know my routine?

Malcolm

It's not that hard.

Reese

But... you know my routine.

Malcolm

Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...

Reese

No, you don't. You're going to help me.

Malcolm

That is where I was going.

Reese

Oh, good. Let's get started.

Malcolm

No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?

Reese

I know what's more embarrassing.

Malcolm

What?

Reese

Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Lois

Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?

Reese

Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]

Hal

You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?

Lois

[Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!

Reese

Nothing.

Lois

Get a glass.

Lois

Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!

Reese

All right! Okay!!!

Dewey

Can I have some milk?

Lois

Yes... but get a glass!

Dewey

Okay.

Reese

I cannot believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.

Malcolm

Do you think he told mom?

Reese

I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.

Malcolm

What are you talking about?

Reese

[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication] Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.