Hey I promised you girls! Not quality girls.
Sorry we're late, some jackass parked in the handicapped spot.
Hal (nervous and embarrassed): Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.
It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.
Good for you.
I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner
I think I see a couple of hungry seals!
(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)
(knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?
Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.
I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.
(Long pause)
Go away!
Hal [to Lois]: Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing. At the beginning, I'll say that I think I might be coming down with something...
Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.
So, you're saying I'm on my own here?
Lois [to the boys]: Now, remember, no throwing ice, no flicking butter at the ceiling, no sticking gum under the table, and no eating gum already stuck under the table!
Spangler (referring to the damage the local girls wrought): I'd say we got off lucky. This happened once before in '72; we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.
[Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.
Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
Poor bastard. You never had a chance.
Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)
You go, Abe!
Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!
What are we gonna do, sir?
We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.
JJoe
But they're destroying the school.
Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.
Stevie [to Reese]: Crying on command got me a cable modem!
[After Stevie punches Reese]
Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!
He bruised the bone.
Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.
Shut your trap!
WWaiter
Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?
Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!
Abe [drunk]: Kitty, there's going to be some changes...
(to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?
Honey, you have to pace yourself.
(to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!
Whoa, interesting dinner. Stevie beat the crap out of Reese, his dad got drunk, and his mom went totally psycho. Oh my god, we're contagious!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.