Grandma Ida quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Ida

(to Dewey) That's it, fatten up on pizza. Good luck running when they come with the dogs and chase you into the hills!

Ida

What are you going to do when they come after you and throw you in the back of the truck? Are you going to read to them? Are you going to impress them with your giant know-it-all brain?

Ida

I just remembered, tomorrow I'm getting waxed.

Victor

Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Hal

Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.

Ida

He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.

Hal

First off, I'm not here to try to sort out the complicated relationship you have with the woman I love. It's not my place. And I know it would be folly to try to put a price on the deep psychological trauma that you've caused Lois through the years. But let me take a stab at it anyway... $3,000 sound okay to you?

Victor

What?!

Hal

Well, that would pretty much cover the fridge, the collateral damage, pay off a few credit cards, and finally get the transmission fixed in my car.

Victor

Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Hal

Please. I know you're uncomfortable lending to family, so let's be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.

Ida

He's like your brother Vaslefdt all over again.

Francis

Oh my God, you're crazy! I just thought you were evil but you are nuts!

Ida

What are you talking about?

Francis

Grandma, gifts aren't conditional; they're gifts! You give them to people because you love them. They're not something you can take away because of some petty slight. You're not teaching people anything, you haven't gotten back at them; they don't even know they've upset you. All you've done here is constructed a monument to your own insanity! WHAT KIND OF A PERSON DOES THAT?!

Ida

A lonely, bitter old woman [she sits down]

Francis

What?

Ida

Look what I've done. What use is all these things to me now? They could have brought someone some happiness; instead, they rot here. [Ida clutches her heart]

Francis

Grandma?

Ida

My heart...I think it's...melting! [Francis rolls his eyes] Yes, it's melting! You've shown me the way, Francis, by yelling at me! Quick, go get my magic sled, and me and my reindeer will go and give Christmas to all the mean, stupid, rude people! We'll all join hands and sing songs and sprinkle the ingrates with fairy dust!

Hal

Don't you think certain actions should be reconsidered?

Ida

Yes, yes of course. [Hal and Lois sigh in relief] You should settle.

Hal

What?!

Lois

Mom!

Ida

It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it!

Ida

Where are you going?

I'm outta here. They have no insurance; what, you think I'm going to take 40% of this run-down dump of a house?!

Ida

30% and yes!

Let me explain something to you; this house would fit in my house's garage, but then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway! Now I don't mind tossing innocent people out on the street, I just don't do it for free!

Lois

Ow! The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting...[looks up and sees Ida at the window] Mom!

Ida

Are you gonna open the door?! Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?!

Francis

Oh, great. Who opened the Gates of Hell?

Francis

This is ridiculous! You have a condo, it's nicer than this house!

Ida

It burned down.

Lois

Mom, you can't - How did your house burn down?

Francis

It was the villagers, wasn't it?

Ida

It's a mystery.

Lois

(something breaks) Oh, for God’s sake, what was that?!

Malcolm

You know what else is strange?

Lois

What?

Malcolm

Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?

Lois

No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.

Ida

JUDAS!!!!!

Lois

Mother, what are you doing here?

Ida

[in a sarcastic voice] "Oh Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party". Do you think I was born yesterday?! I could spot lies coming out of your mouth before it had teeth in it!

Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.

Ida

Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

Ida

The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.

Lois

[walks towards Ida; in a sotto voice] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help me God, I'll rip the wig off your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!

Lois

[bringing Francis back when he tries to leave] Get back in here, we are not having this argument again.

Ida

Let him go. [about Dewey] It's the little one who owes me his life.

Francis

See? Even she thinks so.

Lois

Francis, everyone else in this family either has school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.

Ida

I DON'T NEED HELP!!! Look at him, he's got nothing in between his legs and he manages.

Francis

If you think I'm beyond punching you, you're totally wrong.

Ida

Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't get a white girl to marry you.

Francis

I don't care if you knew the end of that Star Trek episode. I didn't and you ruined it. You can't let anyone be happy!

Ida

Shut up, Monkey! Anyone with half-a-brain could see the rocks were alive!!!

Is this the fat daughter, or the one who drinks?

Ida

No, this is the one with the halfwit factory between her legs.

Lois

Well, I don't know what to say. I planned on two days to get you into the home, two days to fight the court challenge, then I'd fly back Sunday. Now I'm stuck here! It's three hundred dollars just to change my ticket!