Craig Feldspar quotes from Malcolm in the Middle ... TV Quotes Database

Played by David Anthony Higgins

7th most-quoted character in Malcolm in the Middle: in 20 of its 549 quotes
Most scenes with: Lois (9), Malcolm (3), Hal (2)

Lines by Craig Feldspar 5

Robber (cheery): How are you?

Craig

Good.

Robber (smiles): Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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Craig

(leaving) Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye.

[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]

S2 E22 "Mini-Bike"

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Craig Feldspar

You can't take those! That's shoplifting!

S5 Watching the Baby

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Craig Feldspar

Vernon!

S5 Watching the Baby

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Craig Feldspar

I thought it was Fred and Barney.

S5 Dewey's Special Class

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Scenes with Craig Feldspar 15

Lois

Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.

Craig

What? Why?

Lois

Because you kept pressing the damn thing.

Craig

In an emergency, that's what it's for.

Lois

Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?

Craig

I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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Craig

Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.

RRobber

Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?

Craig

Oh, my God, a gun!

Lois

Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.

Craig

What about the safe?

RRobber

What safe?

Craig

-ty, safe-ty of the customers.

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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Lois

Can we hurry this along?

R1Robber #1

Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.

Lois

Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.

R1Robber #1

Great, what's the combo?

Craig

No.

LRLois & Robber #1

What?

Craig

You can't have it.

Lois

Craig, yes, they can.

Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside): Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!

(Craig passes out)

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)

Robber #1 [to Craig]: Whoa, chubs, you got busted.

(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)

Craig

You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!

(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)

R1Robber #1

Cool.

(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)

Lois

My God! Craig, are you alright?

Craig

I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.

S2 E7 "Robbery"

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Craig

Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. (hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off)

Francis

Should I start with the 40 in your belly?

Craig

I heard that... and I'm paying for those.

S2 E14 "Hal Quits"

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Craig

Any questions?

Francis

Which household product will kill me the fastest?

Craig

We're going to start you off with the cotton balls.

S2 E14 "Hal Quits"

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Hal [to Craig about the security tape]: You will never mention a word of this to Lois.

Craig

But...

Hal

Uh Uh. Not one single word.

Dewey (comes up close): Got it?

S2 E16 "Traffic Ticket"

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Lois

What's the matter, Craig?

Craig

What does it say on this jar?

Lois

"Craig."

Craig

Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...

Lois

Are you counting the one in your hand?

Craig

Ok, false alarm.

S2 E22 "Mini-Bike"

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Craig

(turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.

Malcolm

Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.

Craig

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]

Craig

What was that?!

[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]

Reese

(non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!

[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]

Craig:

(quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!

Malcolm

You ran over his leg!

Craig

Oh, no!

Lois

(runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!

[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]

S2 E22 "Mini-Bike"

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Craig

Not so fast.

[Craig shows up to the comic book store in a heroic fashion. Hal is shocked and Dean is upset by his appearance.]

DDean

This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.

BBob

That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.

Craig

(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book) What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?

DDean

It's the first print, totally collectible.

Craig

Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!

[Dean attempts to sell Hal a "rare" comic book of Spider-Man fighting the Green Goblin by taking it out of it's plastic covering hoping to take advantage of his naiveté and get his money. Craig isn't buying it and spills soda on it.]

RRicky

What are you doing?

Craig

Fear not, it was only a 1993 reprint. If that had been an original, he would've thrown himself at it.

RRicky

[He and Bob are now betrayed by Dean after hearing Craig out] Dude, you told me that was real.

Craig

Now, lets talk business!

S4 Forwards Backwards

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