Francis quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Francis

Ok let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!

Francis

I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.

Francis

Hey I promised you girls! Not quality girls.

Francis

Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!

Lois

Hey, Francis, how's school?

Francis

Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Malcolm

And its totally unfair. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker and he's not!

Francis

Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I've done. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really, really sorry.

Francis

I'm hoping against hope you would give me another chance.

Francis

Which I admit I don't deserve, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back.

Malcolm

It's not like it was even "our" car.

Reese

It's never been this clean before.

Malcolm

Uh-oh. It's too clean.

Francis

You're right. She'll never buy it.

You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?

Francis

I'm really not. No.

[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.

Francis

I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

Lois

[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis. Do you know how much it's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken. And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy. I'm telling your mother.

Francis

[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.

You are hanging over a bottomless pit. In five seconds, I will cut the rope. Are you scared now?

Francis

I'm really not. No.

[dropping the executioner's hood] Why not? This stuff is way scary.

Francis

I'm sorry, but this feels so amateurish. I mean I know you guys are trying, but I've been tormented by the best. Let me tell you a little bit about the master.

Lois

Traveling? He wasn't traveling! Why don't you put your glasses on here, buddy? You're missing a great game! Oh, you're gonna give me a technical? You're gonna give me a technical? YOU CAN'T GIVE ME A TECHNICAL!

Lois

Look at the little pee-pee. Oh, Francise, I forgot how tiny you are. Oh, that's the moment of his birth. You see? See him comin' out feet-first? Doctor said it was the biggest mucus plug they'd ever seen.

Lois

[Yelling at Francis after he got out of the shower in a towel] It's an 8 inch scratch on the car, Francis! Do you know how much that's gonna cost to fix? If you think you are ever, ever, borrowing my car again, you are sadly mistaken! And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy! I'm telling your mother.!

Francis

[flashback ends] And that's the stuff I didn't block out.

Malcolm

[On the phone with Francis] Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.

Francis

[Elated] Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their "scapegoat" around so everything goes to hell.

Francis

No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.

Malcolm

A scapegoat, thanks. [He quickly hangs up and faces the screen] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.

Malcolm

You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis

I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm

But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis

Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm

Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis

So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm

You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.

Francis

I know, you guys would never do that to me.

Malcolm

But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?

Francis

Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.

Malcolm

Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

Francis

So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?

Malcolm

Yeah. You can yell at us now.

Francis

No, I guess I deserved it. I shouldn't have ratted on you. Mom was pressuring me and I folded. She told me if I wanted to come home for the summer I had to tell her about the bike.

Lois

Thanks, Officer. [turns angrily to Francis] What were you thinking?!

Francis

That it went faster.

Lois

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Hal

I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...

Lois

Boys! Go to your room!

Francis

Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.

Reese

Yeah' it is. It's the 31st.

Francis

No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!

Reese

No, look! It is the 31st!

Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! (they throw it and watch with excited faces, then they later change to a disgusted one)

Francis

Well, let's not do any of those again.