TV show quotes
[busy cooking while on the phone] Oh, I'm so sorry mom, I totally meant to call you back and tell you that I couldn't make it today. We're behind in prepping for the Dallas Foodie Week, that is apparently THIS week, and not next week!
I got the month right.
In short, mom, no pickleball. But next week's wide open-
No no no no!
Dammit! We need a better system!
I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy. G.H. is even worse! He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.
Oh, he's probably, you know, shaking hands with the milkman.
Yup.
Damn straight, man.
That's not something Hill men do, Bill. I didn't at his age.
I did! Some of the ladies in that Zapruder film were very shapely.
Gah!
It's all fake anyway.
[Hank enters G.H.'s room to see him on a laptop, and he immediately closes it]
It's um- what you're doing all the time, uh, it's natural but it's setting up unrealistic expectations. Most repairmen won't accept payment in anything other than cash, or-
It's not porn! I'm looking into personal development opportunities.
Okay, well, let's see then.
[G.H. opens the laptop and plays a video of a male guru influencer]
Hey man, if you're watching this, you're probably feeling purposeless and weak, like you're wading in a pit of crap. That's because you've lost track of the four F-bombs. Family. Faith. Finances. And fitness. Don't worry. We've all been there. Over the course of one week, I can give you the tools the build up your F-bombs, but only those committed and relentless can crawl outta that crappy pit. ManMade.
This looks like some good old-fashioned character building.
Eli's the GOAT. He has a two-day "Boot Camp-inar" coming to Arlen tomorrow. I was gonna go with my settlement money, but boys under 18 can't go without an adult male mantor.
I'll tell you what, G.H., I'll be your... man-tor, although I don't see how that's better than mentor, but I'll also even pay for it, as long as you complete all the F-bombs.
Sick!
[Hank extends his hand for a handshake, only for G.H. to fistbump it]
Not the best start...
[as Hank and G.H. arrive at the Boot Camp-inar]
Excuse me, a light breeze blew off my ascot. Did any of you see it?
[hostile] No. This is a gathering for men. [shoves Mike to the cheers of the others]
Sick!
[as Mike begins to walk away and Eli catches him] But wait... we must help our weak, pathetic, emasculated brother, because that's what men do! Do you know the four F-bombs?
Family, faith, fitness... Damn! What's the last one? [reaches in his pocket and pulls out a handful of cash, holding it to his ear like a phone] Hello? Oh yeah! [rips his overshirt off, revealing a toned body] Finances!
Whoa!
That's clever, see? Because money talks.
[as Hank and G.H. run through an obstacle course, and G.H. starts to lag behind]
Come on, G.H., we can finish this!
No! I can't! I'm just another weak loser, destined for cuck-titude!
Those words... whatever they mean, have never described a Hill!
[holding two plastic balls on a string] These are the Nads of Truth. While your brother is holding these balls, the rest of us will listen to what he has to say, and support him. Feel free to share any and all obstacles that you feel are holding you back as a man.
[given the balls] I'm too short!
And who tells you you're too short?
Every woman on Bumble!
[given the balls] I don't make enough money!
And who says you don't make enough money?
My ex-wife.
Hmmm... another female.
[Hank starts getting suspicious]
[given the balls] Nobody gets my jokes!
And who doesn't get your jokes?
Everyone!
And who is slightly more than half of everyone???
Females!
Fellas, I don't think all women-
Ah ah ah! G.H. has the nads. Go ahead, brother.
Brothers, I've been struggling a lot recently, mostly because this girl I really like put me in the friend-zone before I got a chance to ask her out.
That's bullshit! UGH!
Now, hold on-
Hiiighwaaay tooo theee friend-zone! [beat] See?! Nobody ever gets my jokes!
Now, G.H., I tell you h'what-
NADS.
[takes the balls] Just because a girl wants to be your friend doesn't mean she's a bad person.
Nads. [given the balls] But do friends stay up late laughing on the phone together? Or talk about problems we have with our parents?
[takes the balls] That sounds like a pretty good friend, I-
[takes the balls] She was leading me on! Eli's right! Females are the problem!
If she just wants to be your friend, that's her choice, and you need to respect her decision.
[the other men all groan and voice their disapproval]
What's the problem with respecting her decision? That's the foundation for a good relationship!
Yeah, if you're a spineless, dickless jellyfish.
Actually, I think jellyfish-
Remember we talked about which animals have dicks!
I think all of you need a lesson on chivalry.
You're a beta!
Jellyfish!
[takes the balls] Alright, nad talk over. Don't listen to them, G.H.
Why would I listen to you?
Because I'm almost certain that I'm the only one here who still has a wife.
Her knee will be fine, however, I can't help but notice there's some scar tissue in her groin area, like she was kicked by a twelve-year-old some time ago.
[clears his throat] You can tell it was a twelve-year-old???
[in a flashback to G.H.'s birth, and Cotton Hill gives G.H. to Hank]
You can only hold him for a second! I gotta stay alive so Good Hank doesn't come out as terrible as you did!
[flashes back to the present]
Too bad, old man.
[carrying a tray of red corn] Hello gentlemen. Would you like to try John Redcorn's Red Corn?
[Hank and his friends sample the corn, and enjoy it]
You got yourself some mighty good corn here, John Redcorn.
Nancy would love this. Have you given it to her, yet?
I've been giving it to Nancy for... quite some time.
This concerto is dosed to be great according to the Beethoven subreddit. The composer, not the movie about the dog. That movie's subreddit gets surprisingly nasty.
Alright, so the purpose of this meeting is to discuss-
[via a laptop] Ah ah! This is an executive session. Company officers only.
And who are you?
Sorry. Connor Feliz, accounting.
Look, Connor from accounting, I don't know how to kick someone's ass over Zoom, but I'll figure it out if you try to put me out of my own kitchen.
[as some trucks appear] They're here! Gifts for our company founders! ... And here to present them, Pig Force celebrity spokesperson, Nolan Ryan!
The Ryan Express?!
[holding four digital keys] These keys are for Peggy, Bill, Dale, and- how do you say this?
Talkin' about, dang ol' Boomhauer, man.
Dang ol' Boomhauer.
How did they get you to come here?
I invested in Pig Force stock. You'd be a damn fool not to.
It's gone up ten more percent!
Cha-cha-ching!
Hey, that's my thing!
And it's still going! Yeah!!!
[people begin chanting as they watch the stock go up]
Oh, wow. Is it possibly that I am even better at investing than I thought?
I have to go to the bathroom.
And honey, while you're in there, I will get Nolan Ryan to sign a football for you.
Connie, I think I know why our dates have been terrible. We've been trying to have something we had when we were kids, and maybe we don't have it now, and-
[heavily sedated on painkillers; begins to cry] Nooooo!
What's wrong?
Wait, are you breaking up with me while I'm in the hospital, DYING???
No! No no, that's not what I meant. I was saying the adult versions of ourselves might not have the same connection. What if you only like the husky 12-year-old version of me that played wooden spoons on his belly?
[laughing] I loved that Bobby! But I really love this- you- Bobby now. I don't even know what I wanna do, but you, you're the bravest person I know, because you knew exactly what you wanted to do, and you are doing it!
So, do you like the me Bobby now as a- [Connie kisses Bobby] That was amazing.
Get that cute butt in my bed! I wanna do weird stuff with you. Weird stuff to you. Ah, I feel so good. NURSE! ANOTHER ROUND OF THIS!
How about we just talk?
Is that pudding?
You know it!
... and now that my land is wild hog free, John Redcorn's Texas-Grown Red Corn will have a projected operating profit margin of 38%. So, Hills, what do you say?
What does the Hill Family Inc. CFO say? After all, she's the reason we still have dividends left to invest.
She says, it is tint for Hill Family Inc. got into bed with John Redcorn.
Uhhh- John Redcorn's Red Corn. The corn. She means the business, not you. I just want to be very clear.
I was thinking, maybe after this, if you've got things covered, I could make a... special delivery.
Get outta here. Go see your girl.
Are you sure? Because I could stay.
You shouldn't work so much. When I was your age, I was sneaking outta my job all the time to see my girlfriend. And then I was sneaking outta her house to see my other girlfriend. And then they both found out, so I was sneaking everywhere.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
